Reoccurrence
by syrupjunkie
Summary: One day he got up and left for a walk, and just disappeared. This is a story of finding oneself, and learning that you sometimes have to lose to gain. Taito. Shounen-ai. Chapter 11 Uploaded.
1. Disappearance

Author's Notes:  Hey look, it's my first Digimon posting.  Mind you I'm lost in the whole plotline of Tamers so I'm sticking with what I know best.  Besides, I like the characters more in 01 and 02.  And this story is Taito, which I find is really a good coupling cause personality wise they really fit.  So there's your shounen-ai alert.  I've manipulated the 02 Kaiser plotline a little to fit my plot, but I'll explain more when it actually gets to that part.  That and since the names are mostly so interchangeable, I go from the Japanese to the dubbed continually, except last names which are Japanese.  I do this consciously so don't complain to me about that because I feel comfortable doing it.  And please review and tell me how the story sounds?  It'll make me feel ever so less inferior.

Disclaimer:  Oooh, lookie another show I don't own.  I don't own Digimon, Toei Animation does, and to a lesser extend, Saban.  Cruel heartless fiends!

Reoccurrence 

Chapter 1:  Disappearance

"You know what Yagami?  You're the biggest asshole I've ever met."

Taichi fumed, fists clenched so tight he thought his knuckles would split open.  "Oh, that's rich, coming from you Yamato, the self-proclaimed bastard of the group."

Matt stood equally tensed, ready for the inevitable fight.  "At least I don't pretend to know everything, pretend to know how to lead and then get us lost or attacked or worse.  Look what you did to Kari!"

Tai whirled back a punch, fury building behind his eyes.  But he spied Kari's prostrate figure over Matt's shoulder and dropped his fist.  Matt was right.  The thought wasn't welcome but it couldn't be denied.  It was all Tai's fault; he was the one who convinced the group to explore the crumbling city.  He was the one that dragged everyone down the streets.  He was the one who put his own curiosity above everyone's safety and he was the one who didn't protect Kari when the stone fell from a slanting roof above.  And now…she was unconscious.  He let his gaze fall, shoulders slumping uncharacteristically, bathing in the guilt that seemed to seep from his skin.  "You're right."  It was a soft admission, inaudible to the group except Matt.

Matt's own defensive posture sagged when he realized there wasn't going to be a fight.  He didn't feel exactly sorry for his words.  He believed them; Kari's injury was Tai's fault and he just wouldn't face it.  Matt just wanted it to get into Tai's thick head that he couldn't just follow whims when he felt like it; it was dangerous for everyone.  He opened his mouth to speak but found Tai's back already turned, walking away from the group.  Matt sighed.  "Tai…I didn't…Tai come back."  But the leader stalked off into the wood.  Matt felt the anger boil up again. And they called _him_ the moody one?  He shouted after the other boy's disappearing figure, overcome by the irritation and frustration of the situation.  "Fine!  Run away, run away from all your problems!"

Jyou moved to get up and go after Tai, but arrested, Sora's hand pulling him back.  "I think Tai just needs some time alone."

He nodded, settling back into the half circle of spectators around Matt.  "Yeah, I guess."

But someone did go after Taichi, the only someone that would dare to.  Agumon ran after his partner, his form lost as he disappeared into the thicket.

Yamato's face closed itself into a blank stare; he let his emotions sap away, and turned away to escape everyone else's sideways glances.  He wouldn't let anyone know what he was feeling and marched off in the opposite direction.

___________________________________________

Tai trudged through the dense understory, vines and grasses entangling around his legs.  Angry?  Sad?  He didn't know which he was feeling, somewhere in between?  Matt was right; he was dead on.  Tai didn't know what he was doing, trying to be something he wasn't.  Looking for the way out of this world by blindly groping around in the dark as if that light switch would magically turn on.  But it was dim, the chances of ever getting away from the vicious cycle of fighting and fear and gradually losing hope dissipating.  He promised himself he'd never cry, never show weakness and be the leader everyone was looking for.  But now he feared he'd failed, utterly, and in the worst possible way.  Kari…  He took a quiet glance behind him, half fearing to see her pale face with her closed eyes and dreamless sleep.  Instead, he spotted Agumon's familiar silhouette shuffle closer.  "Agumon?"

The dinosaur digimon tramped hurriedly to Tai's side, extending a claw.  "Are you okay Tai?"

A small sad smile.  "I really don't know; it's hard to tell."

"If this about Yamato…"

Tai shook his head mournfully, feeling the wash of self-pity edge up from his feet.  "It's not about him, not really."  Matt was an issue entirely different, something out of a strange and sordid masochistic streak in Taichi, to try to get close to someone that didn't want him to.  Just the want to know Matt and never stop trying no matter how many bruises ensued.  But it wasn't about Yamato that Tai was brooding over.  He kicked the weeds, digital dandelions scattering in his wake.  A slow pace through the forest.  Companionable silence.  Tai looked up toward the abrupt end of the forest, the divide from soil to rocks.  "Would you look at that?"

Agumon turned his head up, seeing but not believing.  "It's huge."  Through the dangling vines, splayed a vast basin, the rushing water suicide down the steep slopes.  Down, down, down.  To the frightening depths of the fogged horizon where the pounding waterfall met the churning river, gurgling and rumbling with ferocity.  They were standing on a ledge, rocky, coarse, gently sliding toward the precipice, to freefall into the engulfing waves.  "Tai?"  Agumon raised his voice above the low rumbling water.  "Tai?"

Taichi took his eyes from the natural wonder to glance at his partner.  "Hmm?"

"You want to go back?"

A moment's thought, straining between freedom and duty.  Kari was back at camp; everyone else was back at camp.  They needed him, even if he had no clue what he was doing.  He was calm enough; it was time to stop being a baby anyway.  "Let's go."  He turned to face away from the waterfall, but suddenly off balance as the rocks under his feet shifted, treading on gravel sand.  Groaning under pressure, the ground moved quicker, more violently.  With a resounding crash, the ledge crumbled, plunging Tai and Agumon into the abyss.  The screeching of digivolution lost itself in the growing deafening roar of water, slabs of rock diving into the stone shore and tumultuous waters.  

Plummeting, Greymon slammed into the rock beach, hard, immediately reverting back to his training form, broken, unconscious on his side, the waters licking his feet.  Taichi was nowhere to be seen.

____________________________________________

The moon lipped from the ground, ball of white dust and gray seas.  Matt sighed heavily, willing the images of Tai to go from his mind.  Tai wasn't a bad person; he was just too headstrong and reckless.  And he was irrational and too friendly for comfort.  Yamato sighed again.  Then why was he thinking of him constantly?  His feelings weren't something that shocked him senseless, leaving him sprawled on the floor. Tai was a boy.  End of story. That wasn't the problem.  What was a problem was that it was Tai.  Tai, the slightly dense, careless, loyal, stubborn leader of the group.  It was inevitable that calm, collected Yamato would hate him.  And it was also inevitable that cold, guarded Yamato would love him but would probably never even get to the stage of friendship.

Yamato looked slightly mournful at the half sphere rising.  It was time to go back to camp and apologize, at least apologize as best he could.  Taichi would probably smile that stupid smile, saying it was all misunderstanding.  Then Matt would end up staring at the fire for the rest of the night replying to Gabumon's questions with monosyllables.  Routine, how Matt loved routine.  He trudged back to camp, tracing the flickering fire from yards away.  The group hadn't moved from morning, half tending to Kari's sleeping body off to the side, half warming themselves around the fire.  A twig snapped under Yamato's feet as he neared; three heads looked up.

"Tai?"  Sora's voice floated anxiously from the camp.  Matt scowled.  They probably didn't even know he'd disappeared somewhere.  

"No.  It's me."

"Oh.  Have you seen Tai?"

"Why ask me?  I wasn't here.  You guys should know."

"Us?"  She sounded genuinely confused.  "How would we know?  He never came back to camp.  We thought he went to find you."

Matt blinked, an image of a flower wilting in his mind's eye.  But everything was as it was.  "No, he didn't come find me."

Silence except for the crackling of the burning logs.  Koushiro finally spoke up, leaving the question hanging limply.  "Where is he then?"

No one knew.  "Tai's not in trouble is he?"

Matt turned to Takeru, his small little person staring up.  He didn't know what to say.  "I don't know, but I'm sure he's fine.  He's Tai; he can take care of himself."

Everyone seemed to grasp at Yamato's logic, nodding quickly, restarting hushed conversations and half finished jobs.  But in everyone's mind, there was that lingering doubt even if no one spoke it.

_________________________________________

Matt flinched as someone shook him, the dew of sleeping thick around his eyes.  "Let me sleep…"

"Matt?"  Gabumon's voice held a trace of apprehension as the blonde refused to stir.  "We have a problem."

Finally with a whimper of early rising, Matt sat up to blink owlishly at the row of faces peering at him, all with the creases of worry wrinkling along their faces.  "What?  What's wrong?"  For a split second, he panicked that TK had been injured but shrugged off the fear as his little brother's face clarified in the periphery of his vision.

Mimi's voice was quivering in her typical fashion, but was saturated by a hint of something more like fear than her normal whines.  "It's Tai; he and Agumon didn't come back last night."

Matt would've worried for Tai if he ever thought for a moment that there could be something wrong.  As it was, he brushed off the worry.  "I'll bet he got lost or something."

"But…"  Jyou started.  "This isn't like him."

Matt rubbed his eyes, testing his sleep filled limbs.  "Fine; we'll go searching for him."

"We could track him through his digivice."  Koushiro was packing up his laptop, clicking it shut with finality.  "But someone has to stay here to take care of Kari."

"I'll do it!"  Mimi raised an arm with alacrity.  "Besides, I'm too tired to walk."

Everyone thought it best to stay quiet and not remind her it was barely morning.  The remaining five members trouped off into the forest, listening to the beeping of their digivices and watching the small screen blip five coloured dots.

"I've got something!"  TK turned excitedly to yell into the forest.  Everyone else immediately gathered around the small boy who held up his digivice triumphantly, showing the new orange dot at the edge of the screen.

"Great job TK," Jyou congratulated.  All five started to pick through the fallen trees and leaf litter toward Tai's digivice.  

__________________________________________

"Wow."  Sora stared wide-eyed at the enormous waterfall spanning miles into the rising steam.  It dropped on forever like it would never stop.

"Yeah."  TK took a step forward, suddenly giving a yelp of surprise as his foot slipped.

"TK!" Matt grabbed him, lifting him back to safety, as the ledge his brother stood on crumbled and fell.  It was then that he realized with mounting horror that the cliff they were standing on wasn't originally one, that the original one had fallen apart sometime recently.  He took a quick look at his digivice, swallowing with difficulty as the orange blip blinked from right under them.

"Oh god."  Everyone turned to him, curious.

"What's the problem Matt?"  Koushiro didn't understand why Matt was suddenly so stiff and blank faced, squeezing his digivice.  He looked at his own digivice, for a moment watching the six dots, immediately making the connection.  "Kami-sama…"  He took off into the trees hoping to find a path down the monstrously high crag they were on.

Sora felt her palms shake, not knowing what exactly was wrong with Yamato and Koushiro but knowing it wasn't good.  She bounded after Koushiro, unheeding Jyou's calls to be careful.

Pale faced, Matt turned his head down to TK pulling his hand.  The little boy was urgently trying to get him to move.  "Come on Onii-chan; everyone's left us."

But Matt was still, the pit of his stomach dropping to the bottom of the basin.  Softly, under his breath.  "Tai…"  He took TK into his arms, dashing after the other digidestined.

After what seemed an impossible amount of time, the five digidestined found themselves at the rocky shores of the river.  Towering skyward was the sputtering waterfall, the noise terrible, sloshing around them.  Panic swept through Matt and Izzy, craning their necks to spot a blue shirt, a shock of brown hair, goggles, anything.  Nothing.  

"Guys!"  Sora's voice shook over the raging water.  Izzy, Jyou and TK gathered around her and immediately started helping to remove the rocks, baring legs, paws, face.  Agumon.  "It's Agumon."  They dragged the unconscious digimon from his rock bed, looking in horror at the crushed body.  "He's alive, just barely."

Matt was twisting himself uncomfortably along the boulders and rocks, tracing the orange dot, his friends' shouts coming from just behind him.  He was so close, so very close.  The orange dot blinked faster; he was getting closer to Tai.  A steady light shone on his digivice, but there was no Tai.  A sudden urge to slam the device into the ground, until Matt's eyes caught the squarish digivice laying a foot in front of him, being threatened to be washed away with the rising water.  He snatched it up; it was Tai's.  No IS Tai's.  The rest of the group approached uncertainly, breath catching in their throats as they carried Agumon gingerly.

"Is that…?"  Jyou's voice came from behind Matt.

He responded flatly.  "Tai's."  Without warning Sora burst into loud sobbing, frightening TK into a fit of his own.  Jyou and Izzy sniffed loudly as they allowed themselves to mourn.  Matt twisted around angrily, screaming in a voice that wasn't entirely his own.  "What the hell's wrong with you all?  We should be searching for him, not crying like babies."

Koushiro looked up from his blurred vision.  "But Yamato…"

"But nothing!"  Turning, Matt ran off down the river, the bobbing landscape blissfully filling his head with physical pain, anything but the horrific truth.

___________________________________________

Lapping waves awoke Taichi from his sleep, the rhythm of the waves' retreat and attack lifting and dropping him, bobbing.  His fingers curled around sand as he struggled to get up onto his knees.  He sunk halfway before his clouded mind realized he was still partly in the water.  Scrabbling onto the beach, he blinked, groaning in pain as all of his joints rebelled against any form of movement.  His head pounded, a film of red descending over his eyes.  Slumping against the sand, he passed out again.  

Waking up was not something Taichi wanted to do, but the chill of the air brought him from the oblivion of sleep.  He was on a beach; nothing was familiar.  In fact, looking down at his hands and tracing his face, he, himself wasn't familiar either.  Looking up at the high moon, he squinted hard in memory but only got a blank, an impassable veil over what should've been second nature.  His name, age, anything.  Gone.  Where was he?  He was alone?   Nothing stirred on the beach except for the regular squelching tides.  The feeling of panic rose high in his throat, the gasping sobs willing to be let out, but deep down, he knew he shouldn't be crying.  He had to be strong for some reason he couldn't remember.  Instead, he pulled his legs to his chin, rocking and trembling, unsure of anything, utterly lost.  Compromising with himself, he let a low whimper escape his lips.

___________________________________________

Author's Notes:  Eh, not horrible is it?  Different points of view in the later chapters.  Well that's it.  Thanks for taking the time to read this. =)


	2. Loss

Author's Notes:  Hmphf… I had this done last month but stupid ff.net seems to like being down and stuff.  Either way, it's the next chapter.  It's in Yamato's point of view (as if you can't figure that out easily enough) and jumps through 01.  Note:  I have a horrible penchant for melodrama so if you find a soap opera quality to this please tell me and I'll happily perform the appropriate penance (mainly a tub of double brownie fudge chocolate ice cream and sulking for an afternoon).  And *gasp* there's Sora here.  Just kidding; I like her.  No bashing here.

Big thanks to **Natsu** (go me huh?), **Becci'D**, **Sapphire Goddess**, **lillykawaii**, **shadowed angel**, **babydragon**, **Shattered Sky** (you're very close).

Reoccurrence 

Chapter 2:  Loss

Taichi hung around us, haunted us.  If we'd found food, we would realize collectively that he would've enjoyed whatever it was more than we did.  And I, the new so-called leader had to bear it, to try to fill his shoes knowing full well I couldn't and didn't want to try.  Me, who was grieving for us being stuck in this godforsaken world, doing battle to save both worlds, to save ourselves, to feel that for a moment Tai's death wasn't in vain.  But no achievement, no real victory took that guilt, that sadness away.  No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't get away from it.  He died leading us, he died by freak accident, he died because of my attitude.  Waking up with the sun, sitting like a statue in case of attack, kicking myself, and not being able to find a way back home.  The daily routine.

The day he died didn't seem real most of the time.  I was slumped exhausted over a boulder a little downstream from where they found Agumon, holding on to that stupid belief that somehow he'd survived the plunge and was smiling in wait for us.  It was denial.  He couldn't die; he was Tai, the one that always got into danger and lived, hanging by his will to survive.  When he got sucked into that portal back home he found his way back to us.  I believed so hard, so hard that my mind strained to focus on nothing else but his existence.  Besides, we had his digivice and Agumon; that didn't mean he was dead, not by a long shot.  Where's the body if he's dead?

They caught up to me, my breathing ragged and eyes fixed fiercely to somewhere in front of me, pointing at something that would magically whisk Tai back to us, to me.  But I couldn't concentrate, not with Sora wailing like hell.  I turned and lashed out at her.  "Sora!  Shut the hell up!  Fuck, I can't even think with your screaming!"  She just cried harder, her words broken and choked.  God, it was the worst sound I thought I could ever hear.  I was wrong.  I'd hear the worst sound would later that night, that endless night.  The night when I knew I wasn't going to be okay, none of us really would ever be.

It was dark when we dragged ourselves back up the cliffs, carrying Agumon.  I didn't cry; there was no reason.  No reason because Tai would be back at the camp and give us his goofy sheepish grin and all would be alright.  Everyone else wasn't like me.  They didn't know the truth that he was alive.  They were all tear-stained, barely able to clutch Agumon's shattered body in between shuddering, heaving sobs.  Sora was the loudest, every other minute a fresh burst of tears, full cries stifled by her sheer will to try to stop herself.  If only I'd known then what I know now, I would've realized she was probably the strongest person out there.

We all collapsed into camp, Mimi beaming down at us, voice raised in excitement.  "Hey everyone, guess what?"

Sora let an unbidden cry ring out, obviously the effort to keep relatively quiet too great.  She dropped Agumon's left claw, falling to her knees and clutching sharply at the dirt.  Mimi rushed over to her, half scared.  Sora tried to speak, only a thick gurgling sound coming out.  I watched in detached curiosity.  True, she's been Tai's best friend for so long; naturally she'd be upset if he were dead.  But he wasn't; he was right beyond Mimi watching us with amusement as the fire licked its way across his face.  I strained my eyesight to the fire, no one within its halo.  Oh well, he's just not gotten back yet; he'll arrive in a little bit and prove to Sora just how foolish she's acting right now.

Another wail echoed, this time higher, different.  Koushiro was patting Mimi on the back consolingly as she hunched over and cried.  Obviously, he'd told her their stupid conclusion, and she was fool enough to believe him.  "But she just got better!"

Jyou sniffed loudly, taking deep breaths to keep his speech intelligible.  "What, Mimi?"

"Hikari!  She's awake; she's awake!  I ran out to tell you."  She covered her face with her gloved hands, long strands of hair falling out from under her hat shielding her face.  

Sora quieted then, only a low whimpering.   We all let the information set in, filling everyone else with a sort of horror beyond words.  To me, it was just another girl to cry for no reason.  Koushiro was stumbling toward camp; I knew what he was going to do.  He'd go tell his lies, tell Hikari that her brother was dead.  He couldn't; I wouldn't allow it.  It was too cruel to tell that sort of lie to an innocent child.  I ran after him, catching sight of him bending down over Kari's standing figure.  "No!  Don't believe him; he's lying!"  I didn't even realize my voice was high and hysterical, so strangely loud, so piercing.  "He's lying; Tai's fine!"  A weight crashed into me from behind, the glimpse of glasses before I found myself knocked to the ground, restrained and forced to watch Koushiro fill her with fear over nothing.  A tight hand clamped over my mouth as I tried to catch her attention.  Muffled protests.

Koushiro raked his fingers through his hair, not daring to look into Kari's curious eyes.  He was going to destroy her.  "T-tai's gone Kari.  He's dead."

Her face convulsed, an image I'll never forget, the sudden wave of panic and fear that threatened to overwhelm her.  God, she was only fucking eight.  She staggered out a few words, almost too feeble to hear.  "I-I don't believe you.  He's fine; you're lying."

Good girl Kari; don't believe him.  Tai's fine.  He's just in the woods, finding his way back.  Koushiro wouldn't give up, speaking softly and tentatively, all his big words failing him.  "He's really dead Kari.  He fell off a cliff, a very high one."

Kari was shaking her head viciously, hard, painfully.  I knew that pain, the same when I willed him alive at the riverbed.  Her voice wobbled even more.  "No, he didn't.  Agumon was with him; he'd never let Tai get hurt."

Jyou spoke up from over my back, his hands tying my arms together even tighter.  "We found Agumon hurt really bad at the bottom of the cliff."  One of his hands fumbled in my back pocket. I knew what he reaching for and struggled in vain as he pulled out Tai's digivice, throwing it to Kari.  I couldn't stop him even though I wanted to.  Tai needed it when he came back; how else was Agumon supposed to digivolve?

Kari watched the digivice at her feet for a second, looking up with watery eyes.  "I don't know why, but you're all lying to me.  Tai's not dead.  If he's dead where's his body?"

Exactly.  I watched anxiously as Koushiro looked taken back.  Yeah genius; if Taichi's dead, where's his body?  He just looked down at Kari, mournful gaze.  "Remember when digimon die?  They scatter into little bits of data?  Tai would've just disappeared like that."

I felt it then, the disfiguring truth, rising somewhere in me.  He was right; of course he was right.  But he was right where he should've been wrong.  Kari let the tears trickle, backing up in disbelief, the word 'no' coming with each panicking breath.  And closer she got to the fire.  It burst, whatever 'it' was.  Just blew apart like matchsticks.  Something was seriously wrong now, my body twisting and convulsing on its own.  Startled, Jyou tumbled off me, watching me writhe.  Kari was still shaking her head, sniffling, closer to the fire, the flames brushing her back.  Flinging myself up, I rushed forward, past the stunned Izzy, diving and pulling Kari from the fire, pressing her to me as if we were to be fused. 

There was that moment, pregnant with collectively held breaths.  Then she lifted her head, the heartbreaking pain in her eyes glowing like a dark jewel.  She closed them quickly, throwing her head back and letting the pain find an audible channel.  It was wrenching, so much more worse than Sora's cries.  It had a force behind it rained, pelting.  She'd lost her brother.  Her cries rang in my ears, rising me toward that place where I'd have to face the truth and live with the consequences.  I knew then what it was that was breaking me; I saw myself where Kari had been, backing away toward fire, shaking in denial.  If any of the others had crept closer to comfort Kari, they jumped back when I let my cries join hers.  I wasn't loud or hysterical, but then again crying was one thing I'd never really done.  I was the composed one that never betrayed a feeling except anger.  But Kari and I echoed loss; it was the sound of the losing a person that we thought would always be there.  

They all said later I was a going to be a great leader; look how I'd saved Kari when no one else did.  I almost laughed scornfully.  If only they knew how selfish I was when I saved her.  They didn't understand; Kari was part of him, his sister.  She couldn't disappear; I had to hold onto her with a death grip as if I could feel him through her.  Stupid hope.  I just kept hugging her close maybe tricking my mind into thinking Tai was still here.  But he wasn't.  

From there on, nothing was the same, not in the same clichéd sense you see in movies or books like constant weeping, or colours dimming, or reality losing itself.  Instead, everything became much more real; we were quieter and fearful and infinitely more conscious of death.  We went through the same mourning routine with Agumon when he woke up.  The same denial, the same pain, but much quieter.  He remembered the whole accident and took it hard, closing himself off to us, blamed himself, lost his spirit.  How I envied him; I'd have given anything to let myself waste away, fade.  But I was the next in line; it wasn't an option.  And day after day, I'd wished not to wake up, but I always did.

We held a small memorial service when Agumon was fully recovered.  Just a little pile of stones with a cross, tears all around and strained laughter at some remembered stories.  Luckily we had a distraction when Piedmon attacked later on, when all our reserves went toward defeating evil instead of remembering.  But even then, I couldn't shield myself from the passive hurt that always seemed to surface.  A glimpse of us in battle, champion forms clashing with virus digimon, while small Agumon fired his pepper breath without Tai to help him digivolve.  Or one of those mornings when I wake up and see Kari talking with Agumon, talking so quietly and laughing a little because she suddenly thought up another memory of Tai.  I'd look at them sadly, half wanting to know what Kari was saying, half dreading to approach her.  It was my fault wasn't it?  I was the one that started the fight, got him to go stamping off.  I would clenched my fist and wait for the same conversation I always had with Sora.

"Matt?"  Her quiet voice sounds from behind me.

"Yeah?"

She's a mind reader sometimes; it's really very scary.  "It's not your fault Matt.  You know that right?"

"Whatever."  

"It was an accident; there wasn't anything we could've done."

I always wanted to argue with her so much, but it wouldn't have been the same.  It would've been unsatisfying without the retort, without the tension to bridge us.  And deep down, I knew I didn't want to fight anymore.  "Yeah I know."  

There were battles, against each other, against Piedmon and other digimon, but we made it.  We made it to the present.  We now get to sit around mournfully and bid our partners goodbye, ready to pile into that trolley and disappear through that portal one last time.  This was the last time I'd see Gabumon, the one that stood by me as I pulled whatever courage I could muster to lead us.  It hurt to leave him, but I don't know…it was wonderful to leave.  Because Tai was here.  I could sometimes feel it if the wind blew hard enough.  Somewhere here.  So the trolley starts its slow journey, our digimon running alongside as we go.  Bitterly I spy Agumon standing unmoving from where the car had started.  He waves a small wave to us; he didn't get his goodbye.  As the portal swallowed us up with that white light, I pictured death, the tingle along my skin like reunion.  If I was stronger or braver, I think I could've ended my life.  But I wasn't, and I had responsibilities even if all I wanted to do was cut them into tiny bits and scatter them in the wind, dissolve away like Tai's body.  The last glimpse of the Digital World, the deserts, the meadows, the lakes.  Where I had lost a little of myself, where Tai was buried, symbolically if not physically.  Closing around us, the image disappeared and all that surrounded me was a terrible dread, the dread of living.

____________________________________________

Author's Notes:  Survivor's guilt anyone?  Next chapter is Taichi's point of view and an explanation of what he's been doing for the past few months.


	3. Clean Slate

Author's Notes:  Another chapter, some more interesting stuff.  Nothing much to say.  I'll be building the foundations for Taito/Yamachi in the next few chapters so try not to be stressed that everything's moving very slowly.  Reviews always cheer me so please do. =)

Thanks to **Ayla**, **Yagamigirl** (Taito's in a few chapters), **Becci'D**.

Disclaimer:  Digimon is not my intellectual property.

Reoccurrence 

Chapter 3:  Clean Slate

Always images.  Single split second flashes of a scene, and then blankness.  A glimpse of something when my eyes shut for a blink, but then nothing when I open them.  There wasn't a connection between them, nothing that I could hold onto and string them together with.  They were like a deck of cards flying every which way, taunting me to try and pick them up and put them in order.  I bit into another round, red fruit, its bittersweetness like a tangy jolt.  

It'd been a long time since I woke up at the beach, resurfacing to that scary stillness of water.  Moon and sun rising and falling forever, and I started walking, thinking suddenly of scenes that were important to me, but I didn't know why.  Hundreds of miles I've gone so far, lost, searching for something, someone?  And what was worse was I was afraid, more afraid that anything in my life.  The night with its strange noises, the trees with their sudden eyes, the monsters…  I ran from them; they chased me, weird things with stones for heads or fire for skin.  They called after me, strange names, digidestined or chosen one, but I never stopped to listen.  They weren't who I was searching for.  They were frightening.

I stopped by a brook and gulped in the cold water, taking a glance at my rippling reflection.  Here I was, wild brown hair, small dirty face, goggled.  I was looking for others that looked like me, that had the same kind of eyes spaced apart by a small nose, with five fingered hands and two legs and arms.  Flashes of people would come to mind, maybe brown hair, or reddish eyes, or blue eyes or some floppy hat.  But the more I searched, the more I didn't find them.  What was worse was that I was afraid to find them, to stop them and say that I don't know who I was or who they were, and maybe scare them away, to leave me alone again.  

I dug into my pockets for another fruit, my reflection grimacing in distaste.  That's all I've had to eat all this time traveling.  Lots of fruits, red and yellow and sometimes orange, spicy or sweet or salty.  It was that or starve.  Months I guess, though I can't even remember which.  I've been searching for months completely tired and frightened.  All these little messages from deep down kept telling me that I couldn't let myself die because others were counting on me, or that I couldn't cry because to show weakness was to lose.  Lose what?  I didn't know, and that made it so much worse.

Aimless.  I followed the stream down to somewhere, not as if it mattered in the least.  The little necklace thing bumped against my chest as I trotted.  I had wondered about the meaning of this little sun symbol the first week.  It was strangely comforting, but out of place, something that I felt, more or less, wasn't something I'd always had.  I guessed it meant something big and important, occasionally glowing for a few seconds, but I've never found out why it glowed or what it means.  I might've found out if there was someone to talk to, but I've never come across anyone else.

I didn't know how much longer I was going to try and search; I wanted to give up and sink to my knees.  I was at a peaceful lake, a lake that shimmered with the sun and moved with the fish.  This could be my new home, or my resting place; either way, I didn't want to leave it.  Instead, I sipped a few mouthfuls of cool water and laid on the warm grassy shore.  Eyes closing, I could almost smell something different, a mixture of food and inhabitance, like home.  I fell asleep.

____________________________________________________

Someone was shaking me, quite harshly.  Snapping my eyes open, I jerked from the grasp, ready to crawl away, even if I was on my back.  My heart leapt into my throat; it was a monster, I knew it was.  Looking around wildly, I landed on the face of an old man, an old _man_…  I was scared but I couldn't bring myself to run; he was like _me_.  He looked very surprised, eyes very wide and his arm trembling slightly.  I couldn't find my voice, his image flashing across my eyes, the same person, different landscape, long time ago.  "Y-You…"

He smiled brokenly, very, very happily.  He even let a few tears escape his eyes, stretching out an arm to help me up.  "Taichi…"

I looked around, the name very familiar.  But there was no one behind me.  "Who's Taichi?"

He didn't answer my question, his face clouding over with a deep sadness, murmuring low under his breath.  "But the portal is closed now…forever…."

I shivered.  I didn't know what portal he was talking about, but the way he said 'forever,' my stomach dropped.  It was final, and spread cold all over my body.  "Who are you?"  I tried to move away, but my hand struck into the water; there was no escape.  

Blinking, his face closed into confusion, taking a long look at me again.  "You don't know who I am, Taichi?"

He called me that name again.  Was _I_ Taichi?  "You're familiar somehow…I'm Taichi?"

"Yes, you're Taichi."  As if struck by some memory, he chuckled.  "Definitely Taichi.  I'm Gennai."

"Oh."  Anticlimax as it was, that was the first word from my mouth.  His name didn't really mean anything.  Gennai…

He straightened into his small figure, even shorter than me.  "Come on; don't dawdle."  A light flickered, and the water disappeared from around my sunken arm.

"Wow…"  It was amazing; the lake parted into two walls of water, my hand pressed against the first step of a deep staircase that led down to a large house.  Gennai merely stepped over me and continued along down to the building.  I hastily got up and followed him.  It was strange, going down; I had this sudden fear of the tall water walls, as if they'd crash over the barrier and rumble toward me, or if the stairs would suddenly crumble and drop me into the unknown.  I shook my head, and nothing happened.  I reached Gennai's waiting form.  "How?  What?"

He only smiled.  "You don't remember…this is my home."

Home?  Living with fish in a lake?  "Oh."  He led me into the interior, the sparse furnishing a little worn but comfortable looking.  As the door closed, a loud rushing sound startled me.  Instinctively, I had grabbed for my waist, hand clasping around the fabric of my shorts.  But there was nothing there and I didn't know why I'd reached down.  Peering out a window, I reeled as fish drifted past the panes, water swirling just outside.  This was so strange…  

Gennai's voice drifted from down the hall.  "Are you hungry?"

I automatically reached into my pockets, bringing out a bunch of red berries.  "Do you have something not fruit?"  

There was something awfully familiar about this place, something that was reassuring to me, even more reassuring when his voice came back from down the hall.  "There's fish…"

Fish?  Pounding down the hall, I skidded into a modest dining room, a plate of steaming fish and rice on the low table.  I could swear my eyes were tearing up with joy.  "Can I?"

Gennai chuckled again.  "Go ahead."  Jumping down into a sitting position, I ate, more like inhaled, shoveling the delicious food into my mouth and down my throat.  It was so good, my body aching for more as if I hadn't eaten something like this for even longer than a few months.  I heard Gennai's quiet laugh over my loud eating, saying something like 'same old Taichi.'  

_____________________________________________

I was full and it was nighttime, as far as I could tell.  The lake no longer clear blue was opaque and dark, all the windows blackened, the only light coming from artificial bulbs overhead.  I was definitely curious.  He knew me and was willing to help me.  "Gennai?"

His slow form made its way toward me from another room, carrying something that looked like a laptop.  "Yes?"

"You knew me right?  Before whatever that made me forget right?"  It was strange to use the term 'forget' because it implied I had to know I knew something before.  And I couldn't even be sure of that.  

He nodded.  "Oh yes, I knew you.  You were the leader after all."  His eyes lost something as he sat down and stared in front of him.  "We all thought you were dead…"

Dead?  We?  "Who's we?  There's others?"

Flat and regretful.  "Not anymore I'm afraid."

My throat closed up, attacked by concern that shouldn't have been there.  "Are they dead?"

"Oh no, no.  They just went home, back to your world."

"My…world?"

"Through the portal."

It was panic that swept me; that finality in his voice again.  "The-The one that closed permanently?"

He nodded sympathetically, not talking.  It was odd again.  A part of me just hurt, hurt a lot but my brain was telling me there was no reason. How could I miss home if I didn't remember it in the first place?  If that was the case, then this world would be home, my new home.  And yet that didn't that make me feel better.  His voice was sympathetic, soft.  "I'm very sorry Taichi."

I shook my head dismissively.  "It's not that much of a problem is it?  I mean I don't even remember home."

He opened the small computer, clicking a few keys.  "How much do you remember?"

"Nothing at all.  I woke up on the beach a while ago and everything was just blank.  Sometimes I feel like I'm getting something, but it disappears."

He turned the screen towards me.  "Would you like to know?"

I would've been screaming 'yes' if not for that doubt in my mind.  If I knew home, I'd miss it, wouldn't I?  And then I'd never be able to be happy here.  But the more I thought about it, I just couldn't let go of the urge to know.  I've been so lost for so long; I needed this.  "Yes."  Gennai clicked a key and the screen lightened, leaving eight photographs of people in front of me.  I was there, in the middle, some other people around me.  If I was expecting a cascade of memories, it didn't come.  Vaguely, some images did surface as I scanned their photos.  This girl had the hat I remembered, and the other girl had the reddish eyes, and the blond guy had the blue eyes.  I thought perhaps, I should stop at his face for an extra moment and wait for something to come but nothing did.  I went through them all, this feeling of warmth as I looked at the last picture of a little girl.  Somehow I knew her, and she was really important to me.  Then a name flashed to mind.  "Kari."

Gennai brightened considerably.  "She's your sister."

Sister?  I have a sister?  A sour thought shook through me.  I _had_ a sister.  I'd never see her again, or any of these people as a matter of fact.  I brooded for a little, pushing the need to cry away.  I was stuck here and there was no chance.  "Is the portal really closed Gennai?"  He frowned uncomfortably but nodded.  "Oh." Definitely no hope then.  A moment of silence.  "Can you tell me about these people?"

He smiled again, something I'm sure he's fond of doing.  "Of course; you were all my responsibility."  A wave of nostalgia passed across his face.  "And you all lived up to more than my expectations."

I couldn't help but grin; he was proud of me.  For doing something I couldn't recall, but it was something good.  I was hanging on every one of his words as he went through them all, Takeru, Mimi, Sora, Hikari, Yamato, Jyou, Koushiro.  And then more about digimon, the Digiworld, some of big battles we all had.  It sounded like a wonderful adventure; I really wanted to remember it, but my mind wouldn't give me anything more than a few dim scenes of trees and lakes and caves.  In the end, I resigned myself to think of it all as some big fairy tale or dream you half forget when you wake up.

_________________________________________

I settled into a comfortable bed, the softness wonderful against my back.  No more hard stone ground or thin leaves.  I was home now.  Gennai was kind to offer me the choice to stay with him, to learn more about how good fought evil and all that, and tell me some more about my lost friends.  I thought of them with some sadness, but it was a removed sadness, remote.  When he was talking about them, I could tell he really cared for them, for us.  I can't help but think how much I must've cared for them all, especially Kari.  That would probably be my only big regret:  to have Kari grow up without a brother, but she'd cope eventually.  And will probably be really happy too.  I smiled, if not a little sadly.  This was my new life.  A shuddering breath and I pulled the blankets up to my nose.  My new life…

___________________________________________

Author's Notes:  Okay, just bear with me and first person point of view for another chapter.  Then all will be well.  *laughing nervously* yes, everything will be hunky dory.


	4. Stitch by Stitch

Author's Notes:  Not much to say.  I'm changing around season 2 a little so just humour me and go along, okay?   Oh, and review.  Please?

Thanks to **ThatGirl**, **Glance Behind**, **kurokasaineko, Sarri-chan (um Chapter 6?)**

Disclaimer:  Digimon is not mine.

Reoccurrence 

Chapter 4:  Stitch by Stitch

It's Taichi's birthday today, well at least it would've been.  It's one of those hell on earth days again.  Luckily, the pain seems to be getting less, just softer and dimmer year after year.  Really, I only take the time to start thinking about him on the special days, maybe Christmas, his birthday, sometimes the anniversary when we all went to the digital world.  It does flood back, the loss and those feelings of helplessness, but I've been dealing with those far too long to really even care anymore.  His image is smudged like all distant memories, and frankly, that scares me.  Scares me like nothing else.  He's fading, and soon he'll just be gone, like he was never here.  

It's the cycle of death they say, not the whole five stages thing, but that slow progression from grief to pained remembrance to faded memory to absolute nothingness.  People say the nothingness fits that 'it'll get better with time' cliché, but I hate it.  In spite of how much you want it to go away, the hurt, part of you wants to keep it.  I want to actively miss him, to be pained in knowing that he was just at the other end of my fist a moment ago.  But now that's a long time ago…too long and nature's taking the course without my permission.  It's partly shame too, trying to make myself remember the pain, make myself feel worse than everybody else because I think I have it worse than them.  All of us hurt for him, but even more than me is Hikari.  

It's weird how people live in denial.  After battling Myotismon, everyone just said 'oh, what a terrible earthquake.'  Just blocked out everything like that.  And Tai's memory with it.  So his parents think he ran away; sometimes I can see his mother looking out over the street longing for his return.  And I know then…I KNOW that Kari's suffering worse than I am.  She gets to sit in that house all day watching her parents hope while knowing exactly what happened to him, that he won't ever be coming back.

It's tradition now, a hard one to bear, but we all gather at his house with his parents to celebrate his birthday.  It's probably the only time in the whole year that we get to know how Kari feels everyday.  I'm choking down a thick piece of chocolate cake, his favourite apparently, while his mother tearfully makes the same speech she did last year and the year before and the year before that.  "I'm sure Tai will decide to come back to us by his next birthday…"

We all sit there uncomfortably, my fingers already curling themselves into fists, Kari looking more depressed than ever, Sora's lower lip quivering.  His mother smiles hopefully and looks around at us; we all give her the same plastic hopeful look back.  Even my voice is purposefully emotionless, the product of years of practice, that kind of blank 'I don't know where he is' look.  "I'm sure he'll be back, Mrs. Yagami."  

"Yeah, kaa-san.  Yamato's right."  Hikari gives me a plaintive look and ducks her head behind her hands.  She's trying to hard not to cry, but I can tell this is going to be just like last year.  I pull her into a hug and lead her towards his room, even if I don't want to be there.  It's like he never left, clothes still tangled on the floor, odds and ends on the desk, toys thrown about, a thick layer of dust over everything.  Swallowing, I can taste his stale scent; it's unbearable, but Kari's already crying, dropping herself onto the mattress, a storm of dust flying around her.

I try my best to soothe her, but I know how she feels, and I know I'd hate it more if people gave me those useless little sympathetic pats on the back like 'it'll all be okay.'  Fuck them; this is not going to be okay.  "Kari…I'm sorry."

She looks up through her obstructed eyes.   "I've already told you it's not your fault."

I shake my head.  "No.  I just meant I'm sorry you have to live like this, with your parents and all…"

She nods resignedly, body quivering in anticipation of a full sob.  But it never comes, only loud rasping breaths.  "I don't know if I can do it any longer.   They just sit there sometimes and stare at this picture of him on the dining table.  And I can see it in their eyes; they really do think he'll come home."   She drives her face into my shoulder, breathing even more erratically.  "Sometimes, I want to start screaming, yell at them, just tell them everything.  It's like I can't grieve for him because they don't know.  I can't cry, really cry, because they think he's still alive.  I need them…four years…I need them."  Shaking her head viciously, she straightens herself and looks with mild horror around the room.  "His room…"  Of course, she'd moved into the guest room soon after Tai's 'disappearance;' now it was just his shrine, with its bunk beds and dirty walls.  "Thanks Yamato, for being there.  I know it's still hard for you."  

"Yeah…"  I'm pretty sure she knew how I felt about him, there's something in her words.  But she doesn't know how fast I'm forgetting him, quickly and helplessly.  Another bout of nothingness coming on, but this is one of those all too common times where I have to suck it up and be the strong one, lead everyone.  "Let's go back to the party before your parents get worried, okay?"

She agrees and we rejoin the group, a deathly silence over everyone.  This is definitely like last year.

______________________________________________

I'm staring into the endless black of my computer, sprawled out over my chair, alone.  It's nighttime, a couple hours after the awkward silence drove everyone home with some excuse or another.  It was like a wake; in a sense it was, but his parents didn't know that.  And now, I'm trying really hard to make that picture of him in my head less fuzzy, but it's not working too well.  Something's bothering me too, more than the usual Tai related memories; this something sending goosebumps over my skin, cupping my face with them.  A quiet beep sounds, getting shriller, very familiar.  With a sudden fury, I know what it is.  And I don't want it to be that.  Angry, fuming with rage, I rip open the desk drawer spotting those two horrible digivices, one of them blinking and beeping.  Kari gave me Taichi's, last year, something she said to 'he would've wanted you to have it.'  It's…it's Tai's that's blinking.  Of all the things, I did not need the digital world today.  It should be silent, like him.  It won't be quiet even though I'm banging it hard on the wood.  Shut off!  It just gets louder and louder, and I feel like I'm losing it again. Not tears, never tears again.  Just having trouble breathing, seeing spots, arms straining to break that god damn thing into a million bits.  With a flash, the thing lights up, flicking my computer on, some strange little box flashing on the screen.  It's powerful and I can feel the electricity.  

It's black as I barely feel a pull.  Thud.  Shit, it hurts.  I crack open an eye, watching the trees sway around me, the gaping mouth of a cave in front of me.  I'm lying in the dirt, a swirling hole above me.  It fades and then it's gone.  I don't know what a nervous breakdown feels like, but I think I'm having one.  Of all the days, this comes on the one that I don't have proper control of myself.  I don't want to be here again, because I know 'here' is the Digital World.  Without even time to get myself properly straightened, his digivice pulls me into the cave, physically dragging me down into the belly of the cavern.  I don't want to go but I can't bring myself to let go of his digivice.  It just keeps pulling me farther in.  

A shaft of light rains from the ceiling of the open chamber, something like a giant egg on the ground.  It glows that orange, his orange.  And it has his crest on it, bigger.  I hate this.  I thought it was all over, the portal would be closed forever.  Then why am I here?  To be forced to remember all that pain again, being surrounded by his crest and digivice and colour.  I can feel the anger rising up in me, a red burning flood.  So fucking angry.  Raising a large rock from the ground, I pounce at the egg, channeling all my energy into smashing away the symbol, swatting away the orange.  And of course, it stays intact beaming in triumph.  I drop the rock in frustration.  Rubbing my face harshly, I circle around it a little, all this anxiety and rage threatening to unravel me.  And still, the digivice pulls me toward the egg.  It gives its shrill little beep from across the floor where I threw it.  I can't help myself; I'm inching toward the egg, my fingers reaching out for it.  And when I brush the warm shell, it…it feels like him, not really in the physical sense, but it sort of does.  I can't explain it, but it's him that I'm touching.  I pull my arms around the egg, hugging it close, and I can swear I can smell him and hear his voice, my heart thrumming inside me like a guitar string.  

And then abruptly, almost cruelly, the sensations disappear, the egg gets colder.  And I'm empty again, and angry again.  Is there something I've done that made me deserve all this?  The egg breaks open, three solid beams of light shooting out, swirling around me and hurtling toward the entrance to the cave.  His digivice stops screaming after they leave and I'm left alone in the silent dark, even the illumination from above gone.  Alone…  A hysterical laugh comes up from my stomach because with startling realization, I know this is actually the perfect place to break down.

_________________________________________

(Tai's POV)

I sigh exasperated, all the words running together in my vision.  I raise my voice.  "Gennai!"  His calm face appears in the doorway, not exactly human I know now, but comforting all the same.  

"Yes, Taichi?"

There's fish outside the window, but above that are friends, a game of soccer waiting to be played.  "Can't I do this later?  I don't even understand why I have to do any of this."

He gives me his patient look, a look I'm really beginning to hate.  "Now, Taichi, I've explained this all too often.  Just because you're not in your world doesn't mean you don't need an education."  I open my mouth to question his ridiculous logic, but he thins his lips and I know it's a dead cause.  "You can go play with the Gazimon after you've finished reading your novel."  With a strange amusing thought I wonder if my real parents were this strict.  I can remember them now, not in the most definite of terms, but I know what they look like, what they sound like, just that I can't recall any event in my life involving them.  Gennai says it's something that will be better with time, my memory I mean.  Sometimes he mutters under his breath that I'd remember better if I had someone alive from my past that I could interact with.  I used to think that was a great idea, and dreamt up scenarios about meeting Takeru or Kari or Sora or Yamato.  But now…now I don't really want to see them, not that much anyway. I've got digimon friends and I've got Gennai and all the weird Digital World.  A long time ago I said this was my new life and it is.  So that's how I'm going to live it.  I go back to staring at the book, going into skim mode and flipping aimlessly through the leaves.

Half an hour later, I'm pressing a button by the front door, the lake parting for my escape.  A quick cautious look around, I slip through the door, ball underneath my arm, running up the steps.  I can swear Gennai's watching me but I don't see him.  Either way, I meet the Gazimon at the lakeshore before the water closes in again.  This is going to be a great game…

_______________________________________________

Tired, so very tired and bruised a little.  As I said, it was a great game; of course I won.  I slump exhausted onto the nearest couch and let my feet dangle over the armrest.  All I want to do is sleep for a week, but the stupid thingie rings, the box near the door that tells us when someone needs to talk to us.  "Gennai?"  There's no answer and I bet he's hunched over his books and files again.  Aching, I go to the monitor and look who's calling.  It's an Agumon; I wonder what it wants.  I press the button and watch the water divide itself.  I swear no matter how many times I see that, I'll never get used to it.  There's a knock at the door and I open it.  "Yes?"  The dinosaur digimon looks up at me, startled, actually very startled.  He opens his mouth but then shuts it.  I wonder what's wrong.   "Is there something I can do for you, Agumon?"  He trembles a little at my question, trying to piece together some answer.  I look at the menacing walls of water and pull him inside, the quick rush coming as the door closes.  He's still speechless.  "Agumon?"

A small, strangely terrified voice.  "T-Tai?"

He knows my name; I wonder if I've met him before.  "Yeah?"   A bright burst of light, a hard force into my stomach, and I'm lying on my back on the floor.  "Whoa!"  I'm being squeezed really hard, painfully hard.  He's hugging me like Kawagamon's jaws.  "Hey, hey what's wrong?"  Wetness, he's crying?  And he's shuddering and his small arms are still pinching me tight.  I look around helplessly, unable to really move, confused a lot.  I can hear a screeching sound in my head, but I don't know where it's from.  "Gennai?"  No return.  Louder.  "Gennai!"

Soft padding footsteps, his wrinkled face looks surprised as he sees me trapped.  "Agumon!  Why I've been looking for you for years."

What?  My head feels cluttered again; Gennai knows him too then.  Only I don't.  I frown, partly in frustration, partly in not getting enough air.  "Agumon, can you let go?"  He doesn't, and I struggle in vain.  Only Gennai laughs.  "What's so funny?  I'm dying here!"

Finally after what seems like eternity, I sit up and gulp in a grateful breath, watching with growing discomfort as a teary Agumon looks me up and down.  I look questioningly at Gennai who only beams back.  I turn back to the digimon, an image of Greymon coming to mind.  He digivolves to Greymon.  "Are you better Agumon?"  Apparently not as he attaches himself to my neck again.  "Hey watch the claws."  

A shaky laugh and he pulls away.  "Is it really you Taichi?"

I nod, letting my mind drift aimlessly between confusion and instinct.  "Sure is."

"We thought you were dead…"  

There's something like intimacy in his words, like we were on really closer terms.  And almost tentatively, I remember that my partner digimon was an Agumon.  And even if it's just a stab in the dark, I lean over to hug him, a king of awkward rigid little thing.  "No, just lost for a while I guess.  Long time no see."  He gratefully tightens his own grip, sharp claws pressing into the back of my neck.  This is definitely not a safe position.  "Okay, okay, enough mush.  Let's get me off the ground huh?"

_________________________________________

We're sitting comfortably in the living room, after having answered all of Agumon's questions.  He still looks at me strangely, maybe a little sad that I can't remember much, but he always ends the stare with a smile.  I'm already starting to feel connected to him again.  "Agumon, what were you doing here in the first place?"

He's confused for an instant trying to remember.  His face hardens as much as I can anyway.  "It's the portal.  Someone broke the lock; he's taking over all this land and capturing digimon.  He calls himself the Kaiser."

Gennai looks concernedly at me, talking with his careful drawl.  "I was afraid this would happen; the summoning has begun then?"

"What summoning?"  As if an answer to my question, my crest (as Gennai calls it) starts to glow, not that feeble light I sometimes see, but a sharp, heated orange, transparent fire.  I close my eyes and feel someone else near me, but the person's not close, close but far too.  I know I know this person, that I he's important, but the light and feelings disappear.  I slide my eyes open.  "What's going on Gennai?"

He doesn't hear me, opting to stare blindly in front of him and his silence is all I need to be afraid.

__________________________________________

Author's Notes:  So that's it.  Just one more chapter of first person…bear with it a little longer?  I'm getting fed up with it too.  Grr…


	5. Circling The Drain

Author's Notes:  God, school's getting very busy.  Hardly have any time to write.  Anyway, last chapter of first person.  Yatta!  Things are supposed to get much better from here on, in terms of Taito developing anyway…  Reviews are always appreciated.  And I apologize if the level of writing is as crappy as I think it is…I'm really trying to get it to an acceptable level.

Thanks to **nEo**-**cHaN**, **JoJo** **LieLie**, **Becc 'D**, **Fordina**, **Romulana**, **Sarri-chan**, **ToriS**.

Disclaimer:  No, no no!  *swatting away copyright lawyers*  Get away!  I don't own Digimon and I don't make any money off of this story!

Reoccurrence 

Chapter 5:  Circling the Drain

It's come again, the chosen, the battle against good and evil, this time against the Kaiser as he likes to be called.  I haven't been summoned as I feared I would, but I know I'll still have to go.  I have to protect them; I can't let TK or Kari or any of the new digidestined get hurt, not like Tai.  This all comes with knowing I'll be in that barren land again, reeking of with Tai's memory.  It's not such an adventure anymore is it?  I stand up from being deposited from the gate.  It's been a couple of weeks since the egg incident; I'm with the new chosen children, so out of place.  I see Gabumon huffing up over the hill when he stares down and waves at us.  Trusty old Gabumon…

"Hey Gabumon, what's going on?"

He takes a quick concerned look over his shoulder at the hill.  "The Kaiser's capturing digimon in the town.  He's got black rings around two Monochromon already."

We all jump up, instant enthusiasm, the kind that makes you do brash things, the kind that gets you killed.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  We get ready to follow into battle, trotting after the new leader.  I hang back for a moment thinking that there's someone else here, but clearly there isn't, only the sparse trees and well-worn footpaths.  We trudge up the hill to find ourselves overlooking a city in ruins, a giant arena raised from the crumbled ground.  A low groan escapes from underneath us as a tremendous crash splits the air around us.  From the dust comes a Monochomon, black ring collared around its neck.  It roars with a terrible intensity, thumping its hoof on the ground as a threat.  Daisuke and Flamedramon seize the moment to stand up to the digimon, taking the ground between the rest of the group and Monochromon.  I give a sharp nod and signal for the rest of us to get to the arena.  Behind us the sounds of fighting come loudly and horribly reminiscent, like the roar of the waterfall.  I run faster, finding myself in the shade of a giant stone archway.  The same fighting sounds come from inside, a crunch and crash.  TK and Kari nod and run off to my right while Iori and Miyako take my left.  I call for Gabumon and scramble up the thick steps, higher and higher into the dark interior.

The wind whips around a little at the top, the ceiling falling away to reveal a raised platform.  The Kaiser stands with his back turned to me, cloak rolling in the breeze.  Beyond him, two digimon are battling, throwing dirt and rocks upward with each strike.  "Ken!"

He turns around to face me, dark glasses reflecting myself.  "Oh, if it isn't one of the old digidestined."  I growl at his sneer, calling Gabumon to digivolve.  Garurumon haunches on my left baring his teeth, but the Kaiser only smiles wider.  "Come now, give me a challenge."

I raise a fist to attack him but he cracks his whip, three Airdramon rising up from behind him.  Jumping onto one of the digimon's back, he hovers in front of me, smirking his superiority.  I yell at him over the roar of battle in arena.  "You can't keep enslaving digimon.  You can run now, but we're going to get you eventually!"  Great, I sound like a fucking action hero.

He gives his trademark enigmatic half smile, eyes narrowing.  "You fool.  I'm not retreating, quite the opposite.  Airdramon attack."  A flying digimon claps its wings, diving for me. Weregarurumon leaps up to attack the digimon but the Kaiser lashes his whip across his skin.  "Stupid; you think your worthless digimon can even hope to stand up to mine?"

He's right.  Weregarurumon can't digivolve anymore and fight three Airdramaon.  None of the other digidestined are in sight.  I dive to my right, rolling over the level flagstones, the Airdramon sweeping upward.  It hurtles down toward me again, Kaiser on its back, sneer fixed on his face.  Weregarurmon slams into them midair, sending them all to the ground with heavy thuds.  I scrabble quickly to devolved Gabumon's side, but before I can even form a question, there's the sound of cracking and crumbling beneath us, the ground shifting and quivering.  I struggle up quickly, Gabumon in my arms and stumble towards the stairs, taking them four at a time down, barely able to keep myself balanced.  I look behind me and pause, Ken's still lying on the stones.  A flagstone from above crashes at my feet and I stop hesitating and run faster, the steps disappearing under me as I jump onto the landing.   The levels of stairs disappear in a frenzied blur as I keep pushing myself to go faster.  On the ground level, the arch ahead has collapsed, the ceiling above us looking dangerously brittle.  I run for the next arch, plowing into the open sun just in time to see our exit come down in a torrent of stones and dust.  Rising from the dust, there's the blurred silhouette of an Airdramon, someone on its back.  

I scan for the rest of the group.   Dasiuke rushes up from a cluster of trees, carrying Veemon in his arms.  An army of footsteps signal the rest of the group as they appear from the darkness of one of the vast arches in the arena.  

"What happened?"  TK asks distractedly, still looking curiously at the airborne dust that rises from the semi-demolished coliseum.  

Everyone shrugs, myself included.  "Don't know.  I found Ken on the top level.  Then there was a sudden rumble and everything started to come down."

Hikari is looking around us, probably noting the absence of sound.  The crashing and fighting in the arena has stopped and the coliseum stands quiet but for some random falling stones.  "What about the Kaiser?"

I shake my head negative.  "He got away."  We all decide to head back, hurry home before we're found gone.  Just before the portal swallows me up, there's a rustling of leaves somewhere close by.  But I ignore it and turn to give Gabumon a good-bye wave.

_____________________________________________________

(Tai's POV)

I can feel my heart pounding away in my chest, hard like if it was a soccer game.  But this isn't a game and I could feel the sweat on my palms, a sticky reminder of really how serious this all was.  Above me somewhere was the Kaiser, enjoying the destruction of digimon, and somewhere out there were the digidestined running up the stairs, flying through the halls, inching closer.  But I don't have time to worry about them.   "Again, Agumon."  He let's out another pepper breath, the fireball striking against a stone overhead, already blackened by previous attempts.  "Closer, to the left some more.  Aim for the keystone."  Another breath of fire strikes upward, closer to the target.  In the interspersed silence, there's the sound of running feet, two pairs on the stairwell.  We're in the shadows, hidden as a blurred figure and a digimon scramble upward.  Agumon gives me a silent question, a mixture of curiosity and questioning.  I shake my head and point to the keystone, a silent order.  His face sets itself and he throws another fireball up.  This time he hits the right stone, one step closer.  "Again."     

Agumon takes a rest, heaving a deep breath and then looking up again at the charred keystone.  He can't let it grow cool again.  "Pepper breath."

Over the sound of his exertion, the arena echoes with the sound of combat, crunching and colliding.  The Kaiser plays his 'pets' against each other, a firm control over their actions.  I hate working against him indirectly, lurking underneath and sabotaging like a coward.  I'd like to have it out with him, one person against the other, but as Gennai pointed out, that's the job of the new digidestined.  I'm already out of a job before I remember it.  Funny isn't it?

Leave it to Gennai to be vague.  'You must help the digidestined stop the Kaiser.'  And how exactly?  I guess this is as good as any, these little obstacles, small annoyances.  Maybe he'll be bugged into submission.  "Pepper breath."  Agumon's claws poke me to catch my attention.  "Tai, I think it's coming down."

I look up at the archway, watching pieces of the keystone crack and break off.  There's the sound of a warbling creak above us.  "Good job Agumon.  Let's get out of here."  We run into one of the stairwells as the sounds of cracking intensifies.  The archway and the levels above start to crumble and shake just as we find ourselves in the open sun.  We take instant cover in the nearby woods just in time to see two figures coming from the falling stones and rising dust—one of the digisdestined and a Gabumon.  Soon the tall blond boy is joined by five other people and their digimon.  They talk to themselves, no one voice loud enough to be intelligible, like low mumbles.

Agumon makes a move to head out from the bushes but I stop him.  He gives me a questioning look but I keep my hand gripped on his arm.  "This isn't the right time," I whisper.  He nods his surrender and takes his seat next to me.   The group looks around quickly and activates the portal, each shuffling in.  The last one in is the tall blond boy who takes a last look around.  I start to back away quietly but accidentally step on a pile of dead leaves.  I freeze, but he hasn't noticed.  The portal seals itself and the Gabumon is trotting back up the hill.

"Why didn't you go talk to them?"

I look over my shoulder to Agumon, abandoning the sip of stream water rapidly draining in my cupped hands.  "I just couldn't, not yet.  I don't even have a clue who any of them are."

"Well, that's no reason not to go talk to them."

"Now don't get all like Gennai on me.  I'm sure to hear a mouthful from him when we get back."  Agumon sighs and relapses into silence while I go for another sip of water.  I don't think he understands the fear involved.  It's one thing to re-emerge after a four-year separation but to do it when you don't even remember your life with these people?  It's one hell of a step.  

"Tai?"

"Look Agumon, I know you think I should contact them, but I'm not ready yet."

"No Tai, I meant…"

"I mean it's four years Agumon."

"No Tai, you have a big spider on your back."

"What?!  Ah!  Get it off!"  I hop around wildly, looking probably out of my mind and pulling and stretching my shirt until the hairy thing drops to the ground and scurries away.  I let out a shaky breath.  "Stupid spiders…"

____________________________________________

Agumon and I are resting on a sofa while we wait for Gennai to return from his 'research.'  This means we have quite a wait.  "Hey Agumon?"

He levels his green eyes with mine.  "Hmm?"

"Who were they? At the arena?"

He considers awhile.  "They've changed in four years.  Did anyone seem familiar?"

"Uh, it felt like I knew one of the girls, the one with the brown hair.  And that tall blond guy looked familiar."

"Yep, the girl's your sister Hikari.  She looks so different than when I last saw her."

"Really…?  That's my little sister.  She seems nice."  I find myself smiling stupidly, maybe a little closer at reconnection.  "Who was the guy?"

"Yamato, one of the old digidestined.  I wonder why he's here…"

"Yamato?  He's got different hair.  So who's the short blond boy?"

Before Agumon can answer Gennai shuffles in with dinner.  "How did the mission go?"

"Fine.  We collapsed part of the arena."

He strokes his chin, laying down the chopsticks.  "Good.  Eat up."

I dig in, mouthful after mouthful.  "What's next?"  I ask mouth stuffed and words probably impossible to understand.

Somehow he gets the gist and produces a rolled up map from his sleeve and lays it on the table.  He traces a finger across the expanse of the adjacent desert.  "There are reports that there is spire construction in this area.  It's very craterous and mostly barren.  It's also nearly a week's walk from here, but I think it's worth a try to get there and put a 'monkey wrench' in the Kaiser's plans."  I choke hard on a mouthful of rice.  It's probably the first time I've heard Gennai use such a cliché.  It's sort of disturbing and I hope he doesn't ever try one again.

But I nod anyway.  "Okay.  Then we'll leave tomorrow morning."

Agumon nods in agreement as he finished off dinner.

__________________________________________________

The bedroom's dark as it's way past bedtime, but I can't sleep.  I think about how confusing everything is.  There're some new memories floating in my head like one time where I'm fighting with Yamato, or when Hikari fell ill.  But it's so irritating that I can't connect them.  When and why am I fighting with Yamato?  Where did Hikari get sick?  How did she get better?  I hate these stupid flashes.  They should just be clear or not come at all, but I know I'll ultimately need them.  Gennai, Agumon, they're both trying to get me to go back, to 'where I belong' to quote either one of them.  It's like that step into a dark room, without knowing what's on the floor in front of you.  Just take that step and introduce myself to them again, and go off with them to who knows where.  So I can meet parents I don't know, and friends that thought I was dead.  It all seems so wrong.

That's one side of it.  The other is simple curiosity.  Deep down I know they wouldn't do anything to hurt me, or even shun me.  I may not remember what exactly told me this but it's a feeling I get.  And the more I learn about myself, the more I know that I've a reputation of being brave to live up to, which means no hiding forever, no running away.  But luckily I've still got time.  I get time to study them, the digidestined, to know them a little more from afar, to understand them.  And then when the Kaiser's gone maybe I won't make a complete idiot of myself when I try to rejoin them.  But as people say in these god-awful novels Gennai makes me read, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.  I yawn deeply, frowning at the prospect of trekking across the hot desert for a week and probably surviving on berries and water.

___________________________________________

Author's Notes:  Finally…  Next chapter is the *dramatic pause* meeting between Taichi and the rest of them.  I'll try to get working on it soon.


	6. Knitting

Author's Notes:  Seems like forever huh?  Sorry, I'm really busy and all.  I'll really try to get these up sooner.  Anwyay, enjoy the meeting.  Oh, and review please?  It'd be ever so delightful.

Thanks to **nEo-cHaN**, **Misty Ishida**, **MoonEnvoy**, **sakura blossoms**, **shadowed angel**, **Ezza**, **Sarri-chan**, **zak**.

Disclaimer:  Digimon is not mine; it's Toei's and Saban's and all those other big multimillion conglomerates that give us barely satisfactory dubs and stuff.

Reoccurrence 

Chapter 6:  Knitting

Matt listened to the discussion without interest, nodding whenever someone asked something of him.  Around him were the new digidestined, planning, arguing, doing whatever they were doing.  He regarded the new ones lightly; they had that same impossible destiny but seemed too young and too far removed for him to relate to.  He stopped momentarily at Daisuke.  It was a painful resemblance that he had with Taichi, though Tai was certainly a little smarter than Davis.  It was times like this, half listening to talk about the Digital world, half dealing with some impossible, impending crisis that he found himself thinking of his life, and how nothing seemed to quite make sense.  

It'd been four years since Tai died, four years since he came to the conclusion that he loved him.  Four years and he hadn't moved on nor even accepted for once that maybe he should just let the past go.  It was ridiculous to keep reliving it; even Hikari made her peace a while back.  Yamato scowled at himself, at his stupid weakness.  He was supposed to lead a normal life, killing time with his band, keeping up with his studies, making friends.  But he never quite found what he lost, always elusive prey.  Though he'd never admit it, with Taichi there was a sense that everything would turn out fine, some kind of blinding optimism, reassurance.  But that was gone now, had been for four years…

And the stupid thing was that he and Tai weren't even on friendly terms when he died.  They were adversaries that never moved past short exchanges of hurtful words.  Yamato vaguely wondered if Tai hadn't died if they would've been able to tolerate each other as friends.  But it was useless to wonder about things that could never happen and Matt forced himself to listen back to the conversation.

Daisuke and Takeru were arguing over the next course of action.  The goggled boy was pointing at the computer screen.  "If we go open a digiport in that sector we can catch him by surprise."

TK shook his head.  "But then we'd be jumping into something before we even knew what was going on.  We should open a digiport in the next sector over and get an idea of what we're up against."

They fixed their eyes on Yamato for the decision who smirked back, unable to resist seeing himself years ago.  "Why don't you guys have a vote?"

Ultimately, by the difference of Iori they decided to take TK's plan, much to the dismay of Davis who sulked away from the group.  It was all the same as before, and Yamato stood up hastily, shaking the disagreeable thoughts away and slinging his guitar onto his back.  "If that's all…  I'll meet you guys in the computer room after school tomorrow."

______________________________________________

The digital landscape around them blew in its dusty solitude.  Large craters and ravines seemed to splotch and vein across the ground.  In the distance the black outline of a control spire was rising.  Daisuke had his goggles over his eyes, screening him from the flying dust.  Everyone else had their heads slightly ducked and hands like visors against their foreheads.  The new leader pointed off to the distance.  "Let's go."

TK, Kari and Miyako flew off ahead while Daisuke, Iori and Yamato rode their digimon.  The work site was fast approaching, and the terrain grew even more violent, sizzling in the overbearing heat only a desert could sustain.  The point of the spire lay at an angle with the sky, still being hoisted by the worker Meramon.  With wordless commands, the flying digidestined went to sever the ropes, the thick cords coming away with whipping snaps.  The black obelisk came crashing down with a loud roar as the Meramon assumed a defensive position.  Their fire lashed out into the sky and forked along the ground with a crackling sound.  

Yamato stood slightly behind everyone else, watching Weregarurumon and the other champion forms fight the Meramon.  Each attack seemed to unleash a torrent of heat and wind, blowing ample amounts of dust and sand into the air.  Each breath hung thick with debris so that he had to cover his face with his arms.  He could barely make out Weregarurumon's form striking out against the fire digimon.  "Go for the spire!  Go for…"  He choked on the airborne sand and backed up, the fighting seeming to only get worst.  His eyes focused solely ahead to the battle, making sure the rest of the digidestined were safe.  Fire brushed the sky and scorched the land, but he could see the others safely removed from the action.  They were backing up too in the face of the sandstorms and raging heat.

There was a loud rumbling as something happened, and Yamato's vision clouded over in the wake of a large explosion.  He watched anxiously for any sign of the digimon, but the incoming debris laden shockwaves threatened to blind and choke him.  He backed up again, face shielded behind his hands.  A second explosion followed the first, another flash and ripple of heat.  Their combined power rose up against him as he tried to duck away from it.  The force of the displaced wind, however, easily overpowered him and knocked him off balance.  It was with a quick, frightening realization that he found that he was on the edge of the crater, tipping off balance.

________________________________________________

Taichi crouched on the rim of a crater, using his small telescope to scan the land for the spire.  Along the western edge of his vision were the black ringed Meramon raising it.  His face set as he scanned the side expanse of land between them, a flat sunken plane of rocks and desert weeds.  "Agumon, go along the rim of the crater; I'm going to try to go straight through the center.  Be careful."  The small dinosaur digimon nodded and hastily started to pick through the scattered rocks as he made his way on the edge of the crater.  Tai looked down to the bottom resolutely, and started to climb down, skidding and pulling at stringy plants to try and slow his descent.  He slipped the last few yards and tumbled down, smacking into the bottom with a flurry of dust.  

He slowly lifted himself up, dusting himself off, scowling momentarily and ran off toward the western rim.  The heat bore down with a terrible intensity as he continued to sprint across the flat ground, raising a low laying flume of dust as he went.  Sweat dripped freely down the side of his face, mingling with week old dirt and dust, gathering into dark droplets at the point of his chin. 

The far rim was approaching, rising above him.  He came to a stop at the start of the incline, panting and resting on his knees.  He looked up to the rim and gave a heavy sigh.  It wouldn't be an easy time getting up there but he had to if he wanted to fulfill his mission.  He lugged himself to his feet and grabbed a rocky ledge and started to hoist himself up the hill slope, the treacherous footholds slowly coming loose under his weight.  He tried desperately not to fall and break his neck.

There were sounds above him, getting closer and louder, thunderous like an avalanche.  He quickly let go of his handholds and jumped back down to the solid ground, fearing the giant rocks that probably were on the lip of the crater waiting to rain down.  Instead, two energy discharges flew overhead, scattering some pebbles and sand.  There were voices somewhere up there too, too faint to be understood but getting louder.  Another crash crashed from above, the groaning rumble and dusty powder descending like a dry mist.  A hazy figure appeared on the lip of the crater, facing away from Taichi.  The form seemed to be pushed right to the edge, shouting some order or another.  Another wave of rocks and sand swept the land into the crater, carrying the blurry figure with it.  

Tai watched in mild horror as the person skidded down the rocky slope, and even more horror as he realized that the figure was heading right for him.  Tai could only throw up his hands before the other person crashed hard into him.  They both tumbled onto the flat base of the crater, splayed out into crumpled heaps.  Taichi coughed out some sand and wiped his face of plant and rock debris.  He tested his limbs and was relieved nothing ached too much.  The other figure a few feet off didn't look as well off, on his back and heaving deep breaths.  The sand had swept up Yamato's hair and various scratches on his face bled.  

Tai felt his stomach churn, anxiety overtaking him.  He desperately wanted to go find Agumon and leave but Yamato was injured and he couldn't leave him.  With mincing steps, light and shuffling, Tai made his way to Yamato's body.  He carefully shook Matt's shoulders, eliciting a pained moan from the sandy blonde.  "Hey, hey.  Are you okay?"

Matt groaned in pain as his body kept telling him that it hurt.  He spat out sand and tried to roll over onto his side.  Two hands had gripped themselves onto his shirt and were shaking him.  He let his eyes fall open, blinking at the sudden onslaught of colour and light.  A person swam in his view, bleary and indefinite, the glint of goggles.  The guy was asking if he was okay.  "Ugh, yeah fine, Daisuke."

"Who's Daisuke?"  Taichi shook his head dismissively, abstractedly wiping away the blood from Yamato's face and trying to get the other boy up into a sitting position.  "Is anything broken?"

Matt winced as he felt himself being lifted up; his back was sore and his head still spun.  His vision had otherwise started to clarify and he found himself staring into a stranger's face.  There was a familiarity there, the wild hair, the brown eyes, the goggles, the face.  It was with a trembling anger that he recognized it as Taichi's face.  With a swift move, ignoreing his pains, he threw himself forward, pinning the other boy to the ground.  "How dare you?!"

Taichi found himself on his back with a sudden weight over his body.  Matt had gripped his shirt and was banging him hard against the ground.  Rocks crashed themselves against the back of his head, as he struggled to get the enraged boy off him.  "What the hell?  Get off!"  He tried to use his hands to break Yamato's hold but the blonde had a deathgrip.  Tai's head fuzzed with another slam against the ground.  He pushed futilely at Matt's shoulders, his legs trapped underneath the other boy.  "Stop it!"

Yamato had never felt as angry in his life as he did at that moment.  The Kaiser had simply gone too far.  "Change back!  You have no right to take his form.  Change back!"  Stubbornly 'Tai' kept struggling against him.  "Change back!"  Matt slammed the other boy against the ground again.  He was oblivious to the small streak of red blood that had coloured the ground underneath 'Tai's' head.  

Tai blinked hazily, moving his hands up to Matt's neck, straining to do something, anything to get him off.  A blue tinge was starting to colour his vision.  "Stop it!"  Vaguely he heard Agumon's pepper breath attack off to his side, and an intense heat pass over both boys' heads.  The grip on his shirt loosened and he quickly flung Matt off of him, rolling away and clutching the back of his head as he tried to sit up.  The land spun around him, in a dizzying display.

Yamato was distracted by an Agumon that had appeared a few feet off.  He felt himself hit the ground as 'Taichi' escaped his grasp.  The Agumon ran up to 'Tai', eying Matt closely.  The dinosaur digimon finally spoke, in that same kind of familiar voice that made Matt wince.  "What are you doing Matt?"  

Yamato almost sneered; the Bakemon were apparently better trained than he thought they'd be.  "I can ask you the same thing _Bakemon_."

Taichi spoke up, gingerly touching the back of his head.  "_Bakemon_?  We're not Bakemon.  Look."  He extended his right hand, a smear of his blood on his fingers.

Yamato didn't look convinced, wiping the same red liquid from the corner of his mouth.  "Trying to pass off my blood as your own?  Change back to your regular forms."

Tai was aggravated, suddenly knowing with a hysterical reality why he had probably argued and fought with Matt so much when they were in the Digital World.  Yamato was just too stubborn and distrustful for his own good.  "Damn it, Matt!  I'm not a fucking Bakemon.  It's my blood.  I'm bleeding thanks to you slamming me against the ground I don't know how many times."

All three stood there tense as the battle warred on above them.  There was a final clang before a lengthy silence.  Eventually Agumon stepped toward Matt.  "Come on Yamato; just please trust us.  We're not Bakemon."

Yamato felt himself give way a little.  He forced that rational voice in his head back, ignoring the constant thought that told him Tai was dead.  Besides, the Agumon seemed harmless enough, with his paws held up in the air.  Matt took a few steps nearer, keeping a sharp eye on both of them.  

Taichi didn't know quite what to do.  He held his hand out, an embarrassed flush overtaking him.  Was this even remotely right etiquette-wise?  To give a handshake to the guy that was going to kill you a second before?  "Hi?"

Matt looked at the offered hand, red streaks browning on the fingers.  It _was_ blood.  He took the hand in his and gave a tentative shake.  He didn't know what he was expecting but certainly not to be blinded by an orange light.  When he opened his eyes, Tai was inspecting something glowing around his neck.  Yamato squinted harder, sucking in a strange choking breath as he realized it was a crest, Tai's crest.  He sought and met Taichi's gaze.  In a state of emotional paralysis, he took another disbeliving step closer.  "Taichi?"

Tai froze, the sudden seriousness of the situation sweeping up to meet him.  This was that meeting that he felt so inadequately prepared for.  He wanted to run, but scowled at himself instead; he was supposed to be Courage after all, right?  "Yeah."  

Matt hugged Tai tightly briefly exhaling a shaky breath.  Nothing seemed to add up right and his head spun with everything that had changed in the span of a few minutes.  He felt happy, deep down celebrating, but buried it beneath the fear and indiscriminate emotions that swarmed his senses.  So he remained hugging Taichi woodenly, until a chorus of voices came down the slope from above.  Yamato broke away from the embrace, standing rigidly and blinking, still fazed.  His mind still ran with contradictions.  Taichi was dead, he was _dead_.  But he was right in front of him.  

The rest of the digidestined were picking their way carefully down the slope, jabbering.  Davis was the first down and the loudest, cheering their victory against the Kaiser.  "We got him good!"  He stopped short when he saw Tai.  "Who're you with Yamato?"

Takeru was the next one down, turning to see what Davis was talking about.  His eyes widened themselves almost unnaturally, staring at Tai's face.  He turned to his brother, stumbling his words horribly.  "It's not…  It's not w-who I think it is right?"  Matt wet his dry lips and remained frozen.

"_Who_ is it?"  Davis was looking from one brother to the other and then to the stranger.  His face was exasperated and annoyed. "Tell me!"

No one spoke for a while until Kari yelled from above.  She was about a foot from the ground, steadying herself by gripping some desert vegetation.  "What's going on?"  She turned her head to take a quick look at the ground before taking the leap.  "Why the silence?"  She stopped in midstep when she looked at Tai.  Her mouth opened ineffectually a few times, blinking as if she was seeing some visual aberration.  "W-Who?  How?"

Taichi was distinctly nervous under Hikari's intense gaze.  This was his sister that he hadn't seen for four years; this was the closest person to him besides his parents.  And all he could do was look pathetically uneasy and shift his weight from foot to foot.  He tried to put on a big smile, but it ended up a half awkward gesture.  "Hikari…"  He didn't know quite what happened but she was instantly bonded around his middle, hugging him brutally.  "Hey, hey."  This time he smiled genuinely lifting Kari's tear streaked face up to look at him.  "Don't cry, ne?"  

Kari sniffed loudly, crying into Tai's shirt, muffling mindless half words.  This was something that only happened in dreams, and usually this part never came.  Instead she'd wake up, groan and bang her head against the pillows, and get ready for school.  But this was real, he was solid and tall, and standing in front of her.  

_____________________________________________

The setting sun saw the group sitting Indian style in a half circle and listening to Taichi as he explained what had happened all those years ago.  Everyone had that same grave expression on their faces, a cross between sympathy and awe.  To be left behind four years ago and to meet up when he didn't even remember his past.  It all seemed out of some impossible soap opera plotline.  Tai watched those around him; they were all strangers.  The new digidestined he didn't know; the old ones had changed so much, especially Takeru and Hikari whose pictures in Gennai's files were like a whole different set of people.  Yamato had changed too, gotten taller and had different hair, but with the same expression of indifference.  Tai was slightly uneasy at that; he'd never gotten along with Yamato apparently and he felt like he had wanted to, if only for the sake for sparing himself some bruises.  It was just unnerving how Yamato stared at him with that penetrating gaze that held nothing but emptiness.  "And here I am…"

There was silence around him, faces staring at him like some wonder of the world.  Hikari for one was beaming with tearful eyes, her hands squeezing her brother's.  She looked at him strangely for a moment, noticing the subtle changes that had happened in four years.  He had changed a lot in four years; he was taller, though he was always taller than she.  He still had on those ridiculous goggles only they didn't seem so oversized anymore.  "To-san and Kaa-san will die when they see you."

Tai's smile faltered a little; his mouth went dry.  "Uh, I don't think…I mean, isn't it a little early?  I don't think I'm ready…"  He winced when he felt Agumon's claw nudge him sharply.  

Agumon gave Tai a disapproving look.  "Why don't you go for a night and try it out?  Sora and the others would want to see you, too."

"But Gennai…"  Taichi began to whine, a wholly foreign inflection in his voice.  Agumon's eyes had rolled themselves, as if saying 'wimp.'  Tai scowled; he wasn't a wimp; he was just…apprehensive.  But he was furious at himself for being so scared of returning home.  He was being a baby and for some reason he didn't want Yamato to see him like this.  It would've been admitting defeat and humiliation, and he knew Yamato's eyes would hold nothing but contempt for him if he backed out of going back.  He _had_ to try it; he owed it to everyone he used to know, to himself and even to Gennai, and to show Yamato with his cold glare.  "I-I'll go, for tonight anyway.  For the others…"

________________________________________________

The digiport was open, rippling brightly.  Taichi stood on the brink.  He looked down at Agumon at his side and gave a nervous smile.  "Ready?"  The digimon nodded and held out his paw.  Tai took it and a last look around, surveying the barren Digital landscape.  He took a breath and stepped into the portal, leaving his home for his other one.

___________________________________________________

Author's Notes:  Originally this was a longer chapter, but it was too long and I don't have the time to fix up the rest.  I'm going to try to really get the plot going, cause this fic's going to be a long one.  Reviews help me work better, you know…=)


	7. You Can Never Go Home Again

Author's Notes:  Whew, finally got the next chapter done.  Heh, seems things don't go as we'd like them to.  Sorry for the lateness, but yeah, work's really bad.  Anyway, enjoy the chapter.

Thanks to **shadowed angel**, **ToriS** (sorry, I'm building to Taito, can't just plop them together can I?  Well I can, but that's not the point), **Angel Ran**, **yamatoforever**. 

Diclaimer:  Not mine.

Reoccurrence 

Chapter 7:  You Can Never Go Home Again

Everyone ended up in a heap on the computer room floor.  The sky was dark and cloudy through the windows.  "Ugh, get off," someone yelled.  Eventually everyone extricated themselves and found themselves bleary-eyed in the single light of one computer.  The desktop glowed eight.  The new digidestined grimaced and made a few hasty explanations and goodbyes before rushing out the door and hopefully home before incurring the wrath of their parental units.

Hikari snatched her brother's free hand.  "Right.  Let's go home oni-chan!"

Yamato blocked the way, still stolid as a statue. Finally he gave a slight smile.  "Hold it.  How's Taichi supposed to explain his disappearance to your parents?"

Kari thought a moment before groaning.  "You're right; I can't really say we lost him in some digital dimension and just happened to stumble into him because we were trying to defeat the Kaiser.  They'd think I were doped up on something."

"Besides," Tai added, "a lot's happened already.  I don't think I'm ready to meet them, I mean I don't even really remember them."

A puzzled silence followed. TK spoke a little later, talking slowly and trying to work something out in his head.  "Oni-san…isn't dad working?  Late I mean?"

"Yeah.  And?"

"We can take Taichi over to your place and we can get everyone else to meet us there.  Right?"  TK begged his brother's favour with a look.

Matt seemed unwilling but finally shrugged.  "Okay I guess, sounds like a plan."

Half an hour found the four of them crossing a street, Agumon on Taichi's shoulder like some oversized stuffed animal.  Tai groaned occasionally, shifting Agumon's deceptively heavy weight evenly.  "Too damn heavy for your own good."

Hikari elbowed him, smiling prettily to passersby.  "Shh.  There're people staring."  

Tai obediently shut up and let himself watch everything that happened around him.  Cars sped by in accordance to the laws of the traffic light.  People laughed and strolled down the streets and into lit stores and shops, all abuzz with nighttime activity.  They passed a theatre where a long line of people lounged outside, smoking and laughing and arguing.  After a few more blocks of strained silence, dodging people's questioning looks, all four were in front of Yamato's door.  Tai unceremoniously dropped Agumon onto the floor, massaging his sore shoulders and neck.  "Finally; let's get inside before someone else comes by."

The apartment was a little scruffy, some scattered clothing, the air of being lived in heavy.  Yamato dumped his green school blazer carelessly onto the couch and 'oomphed' into a recliner.  Hikari had already snatched up the phone, fingers agile with practice, dialing numbers with a speed that seemed to be physically impossible.  TK had settled on the carpeted floor leaning back against the couch, tipping his head back so his hat partly covered his face.  "Everyone's going to have a heart attack when they see you, Taichi."

Tai fidgeted uncomfortably on the couch.  He desperately tryied to remember anything about TK or Matt or Kari; he came up with a few disembodied images but then gave up in frustration.  He dropped his head back against the couch only to have it jump it and flush when his stomach gurgled loudly.  "Heh heh."

Yamato smiled, starting to come back into himself and relaxing back into his chair.  "At least some things haven't changed.  We can order some pizza when Hikari's off the phone."

"Then we'll probably starve to death."

"I heard that."  Kari appeared from the kitchen with a soda; she glared at TK.  "For your information, I wasn't on the phone for more than five minutes.  Here."  She handed Matt the phone.  "They're all going to have fits."  She giggled and settled into the seat next to Tai.

"What'd you tell them?"

She smiled mock wickedly.  "I said it was a really big surprise."  She and TK laughed some more while a thick bead of sweat rolled down the sides of Tai's face.  He wondered if he should be worried for his safety.

__________________________________________________

The scene was even more than either Takeru or Hikari imagined.  Sora was hugging the air out of Taichi as was Jyou.  Koushiro looked lost for a moment, his mouth gaping like a fish.  When he finally stirred, he gave Tai a dazed hug.  They listened as TK and Kari were retelling Taichi's story, filling in details of their battle with the Kaiser at the appropriate times.

Matt was watching Tai, feeling something inside him stir.  He felt a little more alive now, suddenly…lighter.  All could be okay now, right?  Taichi was back.  And he changed, Yamato noted with half appreciation.  He was grown, more mature, and he was different.  But he just…seemed wrong somehow.  He just sat silently watching them talk, and sunk into the sofa.  The old Tai was always sure of himself, loud and could never fade quietly into the background.  But Matt's mind backstepped itself again.  Tai was nervous because he couldn't remember much. Surely, it was only a phase.  To Matt's relief, Taichi's face still held its softness, that element of kindness that inspired loyalty and love.  The doorbell rang and Matt got up, happy to stop his thoughts before they led him down some horrible sappy alley.

Taichi sighed in relief when Yamato went to get the pizza, when Yamato no longer had his unreadable gaze leveled on himself.  It was strangely upsetting, making Taichi's stomach turn on itself in anxiety.  He felt singled out, probably understandable in the current situation, but the fact that it was Yamato staring seemed to imply something different that he couldn't remember.  He turned his attention back to the group who were gathered around Koushiro's laptop.  Sora beckoned into the group and seated him right in front of the screen.  

There was a flash of static and pixilated madness before a girl appeared on the screen, yawning and her pink hair hanging uncoordinatedly from her head.  She blinked sleepily, drawling.  "You better have a good excuse getting me out of bed this early."  She fixed a half eye on Tai's face, and continued to complain.  Then she stopped, completely, and then snapped both of them open, tangling her fingers in her hair.  

"Surprise!"  The group behind Taichi (except Matt who was watching from the kitchen) cheered.  

Hikari nudged Tai and whispered in his ear.  "Say hi.  It's Mimi."

Taichi creased his forehead, startled by the wholly different look Mimi had acquired.  He waved and smiled into the screen.  "Hi Mimi."

Mimi was frozen, like a popsicle, like a very ungraceful, bedhedded ice pop.  "Taichi?"  Tai nodded.  Without warning, she squealed, startling the group until they all fell backward on each other.  "I can't believe it!  How did this happen?!"

Tai untangled himself from limbs that were not his and sat back up.  He started his story again, someone behind him occasionally interjecting some forgotten detail.

______________________________________________

Everyone was hugging Tai again this time because they were all leaving.  The wall clock was a quarter past midnight.  "I can't believe you're back."  Sora leaned in for another hug.

"He's not back officially yet.  We still have to find a plausible excuse for his disappearance for the past four years," Koushiro pointed out rationally.  "I suggest we meet up in the digital world and plan Taichi's reintroduction without stirring up suspicion."

Everyone nodded gravely.  Jyou shook his head.  "And you all call me the downer.  Let's go; I've got some studying to do tomorrow."

Sora, Jyou and Koushiro left in an argument over killjoys and workaholics.  Hikari stopped on the doorstep, taking a prolonged look at Taichi.  She smiled broadly and hugged him close.  "I'm so happy you're back."

"Me too."  Tai pulled back away, grinning down at her.  "Now get home; it's really late."

"Night, oni-chan.  Come on TK, the taxi's waiting for us."  Hikari and Takeru disappeared down the stairs, leaving Tai staring into the night and the moon.  He slowly closed the door and headed back into the living room to sit on the floor among the scattered pizza boxes.

"Well?"  Yamato appeared from the kitchen, taking a seat on the couch.

"It was…nice.  A little strange, but good."  Taichi tilted his head in thought.  "It's all so different."

"That's understandable.  But everyone's happy you're back."  But Matt felt it too, the difference.  He was disappointed; he didn't know what his expectations were, but he felt, maybe foolishly so, that Tai would just jump right back into life like he never left.  And he felt it all the more bitterly when he somehow knew Taichi didn't fit in anymore, and even worse knowing that there was a long and hard transition period coming.  

Taichi yawned widely.  "I think I'm late.  I better get back before Gennai starts to worry."

Yamato nodded, opening his bedroom door.  "The computer's in here."

Tai pulled out Hikari's digivice (she'd lent it to him to get back with).  "And thanks Yamato…for not smashing my skull I mean."  He laughed a little, awkward in the silence of the room.

Yamato laughed a few breaths too.  "Call it even for not strangling me."  He stepped forward and hugged Taichi again.  There was that same foreign woodenness in his actions, doing what he was supposed to do and nothing more.  "Night."

"Night.  Come on Agumon."  Tai gave Yamato a final smile as he and Agumon disappeared into the digiport.  

Yamato rubbed his eyes and yawned, carefully making his way to his bed.  This had been a very long day; he was utterly exhausted.  The lull of sleep was quick, giving him the barest of minutes to refresh Taichi's face in his memory and give a relaxed sigh into the pillow.

___________________________________________

Taichi sat on his bed in the dark, going all the new faces he met today.  He let out a shaky breath and allowed himself to really relax, and not put up a show of naturalness.  Stripped of his act, he let himself feel the anxiety and fear in the pit of his stomach that he'd blocked out before.  He had taken the step, rejoined the others, journeyed home.  It was a scary place, almost as scary as the digital world when he first woke up.  The digiworld worked on a different scale, mostly without the strictness he observed in the human world.  There was a place of instinct that allowed each digimon to pursue some kind of morality, but otherwise the society worked unregulated and wild.  The human world had cars lined up in rows, small rules and boundaries that everyone probably took for granted but seemed wholly alien to Tai.  He sighed heavily at the ridiculous thought of having to actually act human.  It seemed such a stupid thing to need to learn.

"Tai?"  Agumon's voice traveled from the foot of the bed.

"Hmm?"

"Was it good?"

"It was…okay.  I'm going to have to learn everything again."

"Everything?"  Agumon didn't understand.

"Never mind, just meant the whole memory thing," Tai lied.  Unbidden a few scenes in his memory seemed to match up.  He was with Koushiro in an underground tunnel searching for medicine for Hikari.  He ended up punching Koushiro, something he regretted later.  Tai resurfaced back to his room and dropped onto his back.  Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.  "Good night, Agumon."

"Night Tai."

___________________________________________

Author's Notes:  So this has been the chapter to my long forgotten fic.  Will really try to work more.  Drop a review, won't you?


	8. Transition

Author's Notes:  Ah one month and a half.  Not as long as I've gone without updating before but damn long all the same.  Gomen ne.  I hope I can take advantage of winter break to get this updated more often.

Thanks to **Angel Ran**, **Evangeline**, **Shadow**, ***i n c o h e r e n t***, **SrPositive**, **Kelly**, **ToriS**, **IchigoPocky**

Big Arigatou to Aeris Tsukiyono (lots of questions.  Um, I hinted at Taichi having feelings to Yamato before the incident, sorta, but they left off at a fight so...  You know, the Daisuke idea is really great; I never thought of that.  I think I'll use it somewhere).

Dislaimer:  Don't own Digimon, some big network of global entertainment companies do.

Reoccurrence 

Chapter 8:  Transition

"That's ridiculous, they'd never believe that."  Sora scowled at Mimi who was currently proposing some half thought out idea.  "I mean really, Mimi, spaceships?"

The pink haired girl rolled her eyes, brushing away the skepticism.  "Well, it sounds ridiculous now, but then we take some pictures of the digimon and pass them off as aliens...."

Taichi looked utterly lost, feeling the strange sensation of his brain trying to escape his head through any available orifice.  "Um, why don't we think of something that doesn't involve abduction?"

"I'm just saying," defended Mimi.

Koushiro spoke up, not taking the time to remove his eyes from his computer.  He had been thinking about this for the past week, using his extra time to craft a plausible excuse and explanation.  He felt he was close but couldn't quite get the dynamics right.  "I came up with an outline.  We need to do three things here.  We need to give an explanation why Taichi left.  Then we need to explain why he didn't return home for four years and where he was during that period."

Jyou's face brightened with an idea.  "That's easy; he doesn't remember.  If he doesn't know where's home, he can't go there right?"

Koushiro nodded.  "Okay, so how did he lose his memory? I was thinking of the regular head trauma amnesia case."

"Sounds okay; that's probably how I lost it in the first place right?"  Taichi leaned back against a cushion watching the others construct a pseudo life for him.  They were in Gennai's living room, all having met a week after their first reintroduction.  Here, at least Taichi noted, he could let himself relax a little among the familiar furniture and the knowledge that Gennai was only a few rooms off.  The younger digidestined had gone off to fight Ken, leaving the older ones to give Taichi a new life.

"So where was he for the past four years?"

No one had an answer.

____________________________________________________

"How about he got lost?"  Yamato slumped his head back onto the armrest of the couch.  They'd been going over this for the past two hours and every idea seemed to lack a plausibility much less a contingency plan to cover the four year absence.  "He could've gotten separated in the 'earthquake.'"

"True, but that would still put him in Odaiba.  If anyone found him, they'd have reported it."  Koushiro yawned.  "We need to have him be far away from Odaiba, the best idea would be any of the rural parts of Japan.  But how could he get away from here…"

"Train?"  Sora suggested.

"No, they weren't running for two weeks after the earthquake.  If we say he took a train, we'd have to explain where he was for that unaccounted time."

"Taxi?"

"Sorry Mimi, he'd never had that kind of money to afford to take a cab."

The pink haired girl wailed softly in mock tiredness.  She was draped over an armchair, her head lolling from right to left.  "This is ridiculous.  Airplane, bus, boat, spaceship, let's just pick one.  I'm too tired…"

"Mimi…"  Yamato warned.  "This isn't something that we can just bullshit our way through."

"Precisely, your suggestions don't fit what we need.  Taichi couldn't get a flight on a plane and the boats were all anchored remember?  And the buses…"  Koushiro trailed off.  Then punched a few commands into his laptop and scanned the opened dialog box.  A small triumphant smile appeared as he reached the bottom of the document.  "Prodigious, Mimi you may have just given us the answer.  The regular buses weren't running for a month after the 'earthquake' but there were government buses helping to transport tourists away from Odaiba during cleanup.  Taichi could've gotten onto one of those buses and ended up on somewhere else, Hokkaido maybe."

Taichi shrugged, struggling not to die of boredom.  "Sounds good," he slurred.  

"So then he was taken in by a family up there?"  Jyou traced out the logical solution.  "And he lived with them for four years.  But then why did he leave?"

"I was bored senseless?"  Tai quipped, pulling himself up into a sitting position.  Koushiro rolled his eyes at him.  "Or maybe they were moving away and I wanted to find my real parents?"

"Could happen.  You might have remembered Odaiba and decided to come back and look for your parents."   

"Yeah, that's right."  Taichi sighed, the lake much darker blue than when the meeting had begun.  "Well, better than aliens I guess."

"Hey!"

_____________________________________________________

Yamato looked at the group crowded around Koushiro's computer, getting all the details from the younger digidestined about their mission.  He'd have liked to read TK's responses, but he was currently on a mission of his own.  "Taichi?"

The unruly head popped out of the kitchen.  "Yeah?"

"Uh…"  Yamato carefully smoothed his hands over this shirt and headed towards Taichi.  "Um, just wanted to ask how you were doing, that's all."

"Um, good?"  Silence stretched on between them for some time before they both started at the same time.  A small, shared laugh broke between them.  "You were saying?"

"I uh…"  Yamato was decidedly nervous.  It was strange to be trying to make friends with someone who was only resurrected a couple of weeks ago.  Even stranger when he considered he had no idea how to apologize for acting like a jerk when Taichi didn't even remember what he was talking about.  Rome wasn't built in a day; wasn't that what people said?  "Just that uh…well, we never really got along back then."

Taichi nodded slowly, the vague hazy recollection of his fist connecting with Yamato's face rose for a moment.  "I sort of remember that."  Another silence.  He shook his head, irritated at himself.  This wasn't being brave.  No, it was shy stupid toddler behaviour and damnit, he wasn't going to have any of it.  "How about we just forget it and start over?"  He thrust out his hand between them, but Yamato didn't take it.  The seconds stretched on until the blonde burst into laughter and a kind of embarrassed fear rose sharply in Taichi's stomach.  Did he do something stupid and inappropriate?  "I…"

It only made Yamato laugh harder.  "A…handshake?  God…Taichi…what are we…thirty?"

Then realization dawned on Taichi who looked between them, two sixteen year olds with him standing rigid and his hand sticking out between them like he was completing a business transaction.  Actually, it was pretty funny.  Soon he was laughing along and had completely forgotten his past embarrassment.  "Sorry, I must look like an idiot."

Yamato coughed out the last laugh and shook his head.  "No, it's understandable, though we're gonna have to teach you a few lessons on acting like a normal person."

"Shut up, not everyone can be Mr. Cool, harmonica extraordinaire."

Another silence with Yamato looking like he was staring at some complex riddle.  "How did you…?"

Taichi looked equally puzzled, sorting out how he'd known it all of a sudden.  "I don't know…  I just remembered I guess.  I wasn't wrong was I?"

Yamato smiled softly, shaking his head.  "No."  He smiled a little more slyly.  "Nope, completely right.  Cool, talented, plays guitar too by the way.  Yes, perfectly on target."

Taichi made to roll his eyes but stopped short and beamed back at the blonde.  "Thanks."

"For what?"

Taichi shrugged.  "Cheering me up I guess."  He turned sharply to the refrigerator.  "Aw hell, I'm getting all mushy, want a soda?"

"Yeah, got grape?"

_______________________________________________

The windows had become black.  Gennai was talking animatedly with Koushiro while the rest of the group were talking amongst themselves.  Taichi sat at the end of the table, eating voraciously and talking a little with Yamato and Sora next to him.  It felt sort of good, sort of familiar.

The red haired girl was currently telling him all about high school and teachers and classes and everything else that could possibly be talked about.  Taichi for one looked like his head was spinning, but he made an effort to follow her along.  Truthfully, he was still somewhere between Mr. Inawa the history teacher and Megumi from Sora's tennis team.  Meanwhile, Sora was already excitedly relaying him the events of last semester's county finals.  "Uh Sora?"

"Then the judges said Seijou was disqualified and then there was this huge argument between their coach and the referees…"

"Sora?"

"Then came the near riot when the parents got involved…"

"Sora!?"

"Yes, Yamato?"

Yamato smiled apologetically.  She certainly could go on like Mimi if the occasion was right.  "I think Taichi's having a hard time going as fast as you."

Sora had the presence of mind to blush before apologizing to Taichi.  "Sorry, I never really ramble on like this, but I guess I'm a little nervous and all…"

"It's okay.  Honest.  I do want to hear about Odaiba, but maybe a little slower?"  

Sora blushed again, deeper.  "Anything you specifically want to know?"

"Why don't you tell him about the time you thought Jyou had a crush on you and you went stalking him for a week."

"Yamato!"  Sora was officially a nice poison apple colour.  "I'll kill you!  And it wasn't stalking."  She lowered her voice a little.  "I was…giving him an opportunity."

Silence.  Then the table burst into a huge fit of laughter.  Then that week became a table-wide discussion with Sora glaring daggers at Yamato for bringing it up.  The laughter would die down until some else remembered love struck Sora hiding behind trees and 'accidentally' running into Jyou on the street.  Mimi was crying with laughter, reciting word for word every e-mail she got from Sora asking advice.  That turned Sora's glare to her best female friend and the table enjoyed another round of laughter.

Taichi smiled at the display as many conversations sprung up at the same time.  Sora was having a heated debate with Mimi about friendship and confidentiality while threatening the pink haired girl about certain secrets that no one else knew about.  Taichi just about choked on his drink when Mimi's face turned a nasty shade of purple and hissed 'you wouldn't dare, Sora-chan!'  He turned to face Yamato's laughter paralyzed figure.  "Are they like this all the time?"

Yamato shook his head, taking a deep gulp of water.  "No, they're usually mellow enough.  There must be something in the air I guess."

"Yeah, though it's nice to have a best friend, even if she is a gossip."

Yamato nodded and took another mouthful of rice.  Best friend…  He'd been meaning to find one.  Maybe more…  He took a measured look at Taichi.  No, too fast; he couldn't think about that just yet.  By the time he swallowed, the table had died down to low level chatter and the table was beginning to look amazingly bare.  The full stomachs and mellowness of the evening seemed a distant departure from the war that raged on in other parts of the digital world.  For a moment, Yamato could almost swear everything was perfect.  A quick look to his watch soon told him otherwise.  "Shit, it's ten."

"Ten?  I've got a test tomorrow.  I didn't get to study; I'm going to so fail!"

"Jyou!  Stop complaining.  You'll do fine like you always do."

___________________________________________________

Yamato waited while the rest of the group disappeared into the computer.  It was pretty strange how comfortable the whole evening went, especially around Taichi when four years ago, they couldn't even be put in the same room together without some huge argument and fist fighting.  He raised his digivice to go, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him.  Taichi's hand.  "Something wrong Taichi?"

Taichi smiled a little nervously.  "No, just wanted to tell you good night."

Yamato's heart thumped just a little bit faster.  He flushed a smile back at the wild haired boy.  "You too."  Then he disappeared in a flash of light back into the computer. 

______________________________________________________

Author's Notes:  Heh, I guess a sort of little interlude like thing.  Next chapter starts Taichi's movement back into his old life, replete with brother sister bonding.


	9. Reappearance

Author's Notes:  So I finally update huh?  You know my excuse:  school.  No point in dragging this out.  Enjoy

Thanks to **IchigoPocky**, **Angel Ran** (You'll have to do with hints for a bit longer.  Gomen…), **Redrum**, **Shadow**, **Sillie**

Disclaimer:  Digimon is not mine; some big evil conglomerate owns it. 

Reoccurrence 

Chapter 9:  Reappearance

Hikari fidgeted in the silence.  It was a strange way to have a conversation, bursts of talk upon talk and then long uncomfortable deadly silences.  It didn't used to be like this…  She sighed and realized she seemed to be thinking that same thought more often these days.  It was a tough three weeks since they found a plausible excuse for Taichi's disappearance.  School was going to start in another month and it was getting perilously close to Taichi's reappearance.  They were still planning at the moment.  It was going to be a draw between showing up on the doorstep or an accidental run in at the mall or something of that sort.  The date was still up in the air too.  It was sort of funny how strange it felt to take a level headed vote among the digidestined to find a suitable date for Taichi's transition to the real world.  She'd spent the last two weeks chatting with her Oni-chan and catching him up on the whole family situation, little things that might help him readjust.  And it always hurt her when she painfully realized that Taichi was only a stranger now.  Their conversations always ended stilted, embarrassed and all types of things that a conversation between brother and sister shouldn't be.  As it was, she shifted again in the couch and struggled to find something interesting to say.  She settled on a bland question that probably was a good imitation of a very expensive therapist.  "How do you feel about Odaiba?"

Taichi considered carefully.  He'd been taking extended outings with the other digidestined every afternoon, learning about human customs, speech patterns, even curse words.  It was so ridiculously frustrating that he found himself longing to punch something fairly frequently.  How could he learn sixteen years worth of acting human in a measly month?  And to top it all off he was to meet his parents next week.  He was terrified of that experience; he'd seen their pictures, nice looking people.  Probably loving too, but they meant nothing to him.  And yet, looking at Hikari's hopeful face every now and then, he forced himself to smile and push himself along with everyone's suggestions.  He couldn't fail, not in this.  "It's a nice place."

"Yeah…"  Hikari mentally sighed at Taichi's usual vague answer.  "How do you feel about meeting kasan and tousan?"

Taichi controlled the urge to wince.  Here he was talking to his sister, the closest person he had in the whole world and he was talking to her in noncommittal, listless tones.  But he couldn't muster any enthusiasm here.  How good could the meeting with his parents possibly be?  If Hikari was any indication, it was going to be another long, trying experience, one that a large part of himself wanted desperately to escape from.  "OK."

Hikari smiled weakly.  A sense of anger bubbled up in her veins.  This was accomplishing nothing; she needed her big brother back, the protective goofy, head strong, opinioned sometimes jackass oni-chan.  "That's not an answer," she forced out.

Taichi's automatic response froze on his tongue. Searching Hikari's face, he suddenly got the impression that he'd never to be able to put a lie past her.  He grimaced a little, looking down at his lap.  "It's terrifying."

Hikari's face softened a little.  There was a surprising amount of truth in his words.  Of course he'd be afraid.  Kami-sama, if she was in his position…  She shivered.  "That's understandable Taichi.  I'll help you any way I can.  They're wonderful people, you'll see."

"Yeah."  He considered a while weighing his words carefully.  Would Hikari take offense?  "That doesn't really help…"

Hikari nodded again, slowly.  Her mouth dropped a little more and she was left wordless once again.  She only continued to watch Taichi avoid her gaze and all that insecurity and fear rose sharply in her stomach.  Any half daydreamed delusion of having her brother back as she remembered him, would be a long, long day off.

Taichi took a look at the kitchen clock and sighed.  Another afternoon wasted…  "Do you want something to eat?"

Hikari followed his eyes and found herself unsurprised that it was nearly eight.  She smiled a little and nodded, even though she didn't have much of an appetite.  Apparently being upset really ruined your mood and will to eat.  

Taichi headed to the kitchen and raided the fridge, pushing aside the leftovers indistinct and bleary through the translucent Tupperware containers.  Curry, ketchup, soda, juice, meat, noodles, rice.  God Yamato really did have strange tastes.  That or his father.  Taichi shrugged and picked some container out at random.  It was nice enough for Yamato to let him stay in his apartment after exploring Odaiba; there was no need to insult his tastes.  Taichi looked down at the white box which he held; leftover 'take-out' or that's what Koushiro called it.  "We have um, noodles and…"  He reached in to pull out another box.  "Some reddish sticky blobby thing…"

Hikari appeared in the doorway and stood by Taichi, looking into the open boxes.  "Uh, that's chow mien and sweet and sour pork."  She frowned slightly.  "You've never had Chinese?"

"Maybe…"  Taichi looked dubiously down at the food.  "Gennai usually had all sorts of stuff, but I've never seen stuff like this.  We usually used what we had around…"

Hikari nodded and took the boxes out of her brother hands and began to flip through the cabinets for a pan.  "Well, first time for everything right?"  She plopped the food into the pan and soon the kitchen was sizzling.

They stood in silence in their respective places a few feet apart.  Taichi leaned on the counter and sniffed the air.  "It smells good."

"Yeah.  I think it's done."  Hikari grabbed a plate and poured the food out into two mounds.  "Can you get some chopsticks and napkins?"

"Sure."  Taichi stared at the wall of cabinets in determination.  He should know where everything was; he'd been here often enough right?  He pulled out the drawer on the far right next to the refrigerator.  Frowning, he scowled at the array of plastic wraps and tinfoils.  Okay, double or nothing.  He tried the one to the left.  A telephone book greeted his efforts and he fought off an irrational annoyance.  Okay, third time's the charm as he heard some guy on TV say.  He pulled out the second drawer on the left, near the corner of the kitchen.  Success!  He hastily grabbed a bunch of napkins and chopsticks and spoons.  He turned and waved his treasures in victory only to stop when he met Hikari's unreadable gaze.  "Uh, something wrong?"

Hikari shook her head slowly and turned to put down the plates and cups she hand in her hand.  Midway to standing up, she stopped. 

Taichi watched Hikari's back freeze and then quiver.  What was going on?  He rushed over to Hikari's side.  "What's wrong?"

Hikari's shoulders shook more and soon she was all but on the floor laughing.  Her laughter rolled into the apartment like a foreign entity.  She turned and latched onto Taichi's body, trying to stifle the breathless gasps into his shirt.

Taichi smiled awkwardly and laughed along a little.  He tried to pat her back, especially when he stopped laughing and Hikari was still gasping.  Something didn't seem right…  "Hikari, are you okay?"  He pulled her away slightly and really began to worry when he realized she wasn't laughing anymore. Instead, she was crying.  He panicked and looked around desperately as if there was someone near that could help her.  "What's wrong?"

Hikari couldn't answer; she couldn't do anything.  She had lost control to whatever was flooding through her.  The tears rolled and her body couldn't shook, and she had no idea when it would end.  It had just hit her when Taichi was doing his little victory pose with the napkins and chopsticks.  It was just so Taichi, so much like her Onni-chan, and when she thought of minutes before in the living room when he was just another stranger, she felt an inconsolable grief rise up.  It was just like losing him again.  The pain rose up and there wasn't a switch to bury it back down where she couldn't feel it anymore.  It had been building for four years; it poured of her.  She sniffed loudly and clutched tighter at Taichi.  

Taichi had full-blown panic with Hikari crying hysterically in his arms.  His forehead was damp with nervous sweat.  Something was really wrong, and he had no clue what to do.  He half stumbled with Hikari to the dining table and carefully sat her down on a chair, himself kneeling down to her level.  He began to smooth her back again.  He had never dealt with someone crying before.  He felt a temporary relief when she began to quiet down a little, though her grip hadn't relaxed at all.  "Hikari?"

Hikari raised her away from Taichi's shirt, feeling that cold hard lump in her chest start to loosen.  Her eyes were still blurry, but she could tell she'd worried Taichi immensely.  She wiped a sleeve across her eyes and sniffed and tried to sit up to get herself back in control.  "S-sorry, Taichi.  I don't know what happened…"

"It's okay."  Taichi helplessly offered her the napkins still in his hands.  "You're okay now?"

She took the paper and rubbed her face, and looked up at Taichi's face still looking halfway desperate.  She knew she looked like hell, but she tried to smile a little anyway.  "I'll be fine."  Taichi didn't move, so she put on a bigger thinner smile.  "I'll be okay.  Let's eat before the food gets cold again."

  
Taichi unwillingly stood up and sat down at the table opposite Hikari.  He took a few concerned glances every now and then.  He really wanted to know what the hell happened.  They settled into a silence of tableware clinking and chewing.  The food disappeared quickly as both of them needed an excuse to not have to say anything.  Taichi abstractedly appreciated the new taste, but his thoughts still fixed on Hikari.  He couldn't quite explain it, but seeing her there sobbing was one of worst feelings he ever had.  When his chopsticks no longer had anything to pick up, he sighed and gathered his courage.  "Hikari?"

Hikari looked up, still looking slightly haggard but otherwise normal.  "Yes?"

Taichi rubbed his damp hands together under the table.  "Do you want to talk about it?"

Hikari hesitated but eventually nodded, not quite meeting his eyes.  It was strange; this was first time she had anyone to really discuss her feelings with.  It was all the more ridiculous that she was talking to Taichi about his 'death.'  Somewhere in her head she was laughing madly at the scene.  Her voice however, remained low and quiet, barely loud enough to rise above the muted traffic that floated through the kitchen window.  "It was when you disappeared…when we thought you were dead."

Taichi listened attentively.  His disappearance was an issue that was never brought up.  The rest of the group tried to treat it like it never happened.  He just thought they'd all moved on, but apparently that wasn't quite the case…

"When you 'died' we were…upset."  Hikari almost laughed at the understatement.  She kept her away from his face, but compromised and looked a little to Taichi's left, on level with his face.  "We were so lost; I was only eight; it was like someone kicked me in the stomach.  And kasan and tousan were…you were the oldest.  It was worse for them; they thought you ran away."  She hastily ran a hand over her eyes, in precaution for any stray moisture.  "But I knew the truth and I couldn't cry for you.  I couldn't grieve for you."  She moved her gaze a little closer to Taichi's face and wrung her hands on the table.  "And then you came back and it was like a miracle; you were here again. But you're a stranger."  She waiting as if she was expecting some melodramatic gasp from Taichi, but only silence met her pause.  "You're a stranger.  I realized today that I really did lose you."  She dared to fully meet Taichi's gaze.  There wasn't anything discernable in it.  "Taichi?"

Taichi knew her words were true, but they were so stark and bluntly stated… "You're right."  The dangling hope that he'd be able to transition back easily burst into flames and its charred cinders blew away out of his reach.  "I.-I'm not Taichi, not the one that you knew…"  He glared half-heartedly at a stain on the fake wood surface of the table.  "I want to be him, but I don't know how."  He looked back up at Hikari and fixed her with an ironic smirk.  "Sounds stupid doesn't it?"

"No…not in the least."  

Taichi looked down as Hikari took his hands in hers.  "I'll try to be him, I will."

The hands squeezed a little.  "Just be whoever you want to be; I'll help you any way I can."

"Thanks…"

"Now, let's get these plates cleaned up ne?"

Taichi nodded and withdrew his hands and began to gather up the utensils and napkins.  Hikari stacked the plates and headed over to the sink.  She grinned teasingly in his direction.  "I see that Gennai has finally taught you some manners."

Taichi frowned and let the silverware clank against the bottom of the sink.  "What do you mean _finally_?"

Hikari turned the tap on and began to industriously to pour the dishwashing liquid.  "I distinctly remember a time when washing dishes to you meant plugging up the sink and letting the plates soak until someone else cleaned them."

"Well, I don't remember that so I say it didn't happen."

"That's going to be your excuse for everything isn't it?"

Taichi dried another plate with the towel.  He smirked.  "Damn straight."

__________________________________________________

Yamato unlocked his apartment door with hesitation.  Would it be deadly silence again?  Surely, Hikari wasn't one to be envious of.  His fear dissipated once he stepped into the hall, and he was aware of the foreign sound of laughter and lively chatter.  He came upon a scene which he hadn't expect for quite a while.  Hikari and Taichi were seated cross-legged around the coffee table, murmuring quickly and pointing to a photo album laying open.  Yamato noticed that it was old album his from years ago.  His annoyance of them having the audacity to sneak into his room and pry around soon evaporated when Hikari became aware of his presence and sent him a broad happy smile.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Not long."  Yamato shrugged off his guitar case and flung his coat over the nearest chair.  "Sorry about being so late, the band refused to budge until we got through the set twice."

"Late?"  Hikari looked up at the wall clock and grimaced.  "Oh Kami-sama, they're going to kill me.  I was supposed to be back fifteen minutes ago."

Yamato nodded sympathetically.  Ever since Taichi's disappearance, her parents had gotten progressively more overprotective.  It was amazing that they let her out of their sights at all.  "You should give them a phone call; they'll probably come by to pick you up.  I'd have tousan give you a ride but who knows when he'll be home."

"Good idea."  Hikari quickly disappeared into the kitchen.

Yamato plopped down on the loveseat and looked at the photo album.  He hadn't looked at it in so long…  "We look so young."

Taichi nodded, flipping the pages and noting his own face among a few of the pictures but not having much of any remembrance of when they were taken.  He got a fleeting sensation about one of them at some kind of lodge with snow and lots of strange colours, but other than that nothing.  "How long did we know each other when these were taken?"

Yamato creased his brow in thought and shrugged.  "Not long.  We were at summer camp; it must've been a couple of weeks before going to the Digiworld."

"That explains why we were always glowering at each other."

Yamato chuckled as Taichi pointed to a photo where they were both turned away from each other, arms crossed over their chests and faces scowling at the camera. "I was really moody then, what with the whole 'everyone is trying to piss me off' attitude."

"Yeah well, I'm sure I wasn't a perfect little angel."

"You sure as hell wasn't; you were the biggest prick I ever met."

"Hey!"  Taichi huffed.  He scowled.  "How about we agree we were both screwed up?"

"Sounds good to me."

Hikari returned from the kitchen.  "They're coming right now.  Kami-sama, they were like ten seconds from calling the police.  As much as I hate to say it, I think you need to get back Taichi.  I don't think it would do to have kasan and tousan see you here."  Hikari bent down to give him a solid hug.  It lasted a few minutes before a loud sudden knocking at the door broke them apart.  "God, they must've run through every red light.  Bye Taichi."

Taichi said a hasty goodbye before retreating to Yamato's room.  A few minutes later, Yamato found him frowning at the computer screen.  "Something wrong?"

Taichi looked up at Yamato and frowned again.  "I need a digivice to get back.  Do you think I could borrow yours?"

Yamato agreed and went to pull out the drawer.  He was about to give the digivice to Taichi, but stopped when he suddenly found that there were two in the drawer.  He still had Taichi's digivice.  He smiled as he lifted the device from its resting place, a little beat up from the time he tried to break it, but still blinking the time.  "Actually, Hikari gave me your digivice a while ago.  I think it's time to return it, ne?"

Taichi looked surprised at the gray digivice.  This was his?  He gingerly turned the machine about in his palm to inspect it.  A few scratches, but still alright.  As if on instinct, he clipped it neatly to the waistband of his pants.  He caught Yamato's gaze and smiled gratefully.  "Thanks."

"Sure, it's yours after all."

Taichi nodded and unclipped the digivice and pointed it to the screen.  "Still, thanks…  Have a good night Yamato."  He disappeared in an orangish light.

Yamato stood staring at the monitor for a while after Taichi had left.  He brushed his fingers across the screen before shutting the computer.  He smiled softly as he got ready to go to bed.  "Night Taichi…"

________________________________________________

Author's Notes:  So that's that.  Sorry if Hikari's reaction was rather too sucky; I'm having a characterization block these days.  I think I might put the family reunion in the next chapter.  Good-O.


	10. Reunion

Author's Notes:  It's been an insanely long time since I've updated.  This I know.  I've really only started writing this chapter a month ago, and it's gone at a frustratingly slow pace.  But it's here, so all I can say is 'Enjoy.'

Thanks to **Sillie**, **IchigoPocky**, **Aeris Tsukiyono**, **Redrum**, **CSMars**, **Brennend** (good point, and his whole Gennai as second father connection too…will explore that be assured), **Chibi Neko-chan**, **Shadow**, **diamondrenamon**, **sakura blossom**

Disclaimer:  Hmm, nope, Digimon belongs to other people.

Reoccurrence 

Chapter 10:  Reunion

Taichi felt unbelievably uncomfortable.  Things had happened so fast.  Today was the day.  Sink or swim.  He'd taken the long way from Yamato's apartment to his home.  Home…it was such a strange word, especially as he's never seen the place.  Well, he did, just that he didn't remember it.  If it were anything like Yamato's apartment, it would be sort of small and packed with odds and ends.  And it was, with him here in the middle of living room, both of his 'parents' hanging off him with a death grip and feeling like there was something was going to explode in his head.  He was afraid, more afraid than waking up with no memory, more afraid of the first digimon he'd ever seen.  He was terrified.

It had started with his heart trying to pound out of his chest as he stood on the doorstep.  He'd gotten everyone's blessing the day before and a quick conversation with Hikari earlier in the day to confirm a time.  It felt like he was keeping an appointment, not recapturing the lost part of his life.  In fact, it felt too wrong to be the right thing to do.  He almost turned around to leave, but the shame welling up under his skin kept him rooted to the welcome mat.  He was supposed to be brave, right?  And everyone had put so much faith in him; he couldn't let them down, could he?  With a fiercely trembling hand, he buzzed the doorbell and felt the dizzying rush of blood in his ears and an uncontrollable tremor running through his body.  It was like shivering but worse.

The door was opened with a woman, longish hair, blank expression.  His mother…  It was a jumbled blur after that; he didn't know what happened.  He was detached from reality and somehow he had ended up in the apartment with the woman crying hysterically on the doorstep and clutching him with a strength he'd never thought she could muster.  Then a man came in to the picture, his father…  And then they were on the couch with Hikari giving him a watery smile from the opposite sofa.

It was a strange unsatifisying feeling that here he sat, stone faced and bewildered while the rest of his 'family' radiated such intense emotions.  The woman's soft sobs were right against his ear and the man's sniffling in his other, and both of their sets of hands were crushing his own, and Hikari's tears had begun to slide down her cheeks, tracing along her heartbreakingly tender smile.  But all he could feel was a frustration inside of him, a screaming, fist clenching anger at himself for feeling nothing, for remembering nothing.  His eyes had started to blear over with red hot stinging tears.  Why was it so fucking unfair?  Why couldn't he feeling anything for these people that cared so much for him?

Hikari must've known his feelings because she went and knelt at his feet and put her head on his knees and held his free hand.  Her smile had become damper but hadn't dimmed.  Her voice was soft and reassuring and low enough to escape her parents.  Taichi half read her lips, half heard her voice.  "It's okay…"

He sniffed loudly and closed his eyes then.  Hikari, she was someone he could feel something for.  The past weeks she'd been nothing less than supportive and kind, and he'd felt close to her.  And here she was giving him comfort and trying to soothe him.  He cleared his eyes and felt the frustration that was clogging up his chest start to loosen.

It was sometime after that that the questions had started.  Lots of them, all of them at the same time, and all the practiced lies that he'd spent the past week memorizing were stumbling on the tip of his tongue and stopping at his lips.

He stared down at a bowl of soup and the huge array of food spread out before him.  The man and the woman were sitting across from him, asking different sets of questions.  'Are you hungry?' 'Where have you been?' 'Are you cold?'  'How are you feeling?' 'Where have you been?'  He spooned some soup and swallowed it.  Slowly the practiced answers came floating up back up to his brain and he let them flow past his lips, anything to shut them up, to hide the fact that he had no clue who they were, and right now, didn't feel like he'd ever want to know.  

It was like a recording, the way he answered the questions, one robotic lie after another.

"I was taken in by a family up north."

"No, I didn't remember anything at all."

"They were moving to away so I came to find you."

"I only remembered some things."

"No, I don't know their new address."

He could tell his parents were on the verge of disbelief, but one could hardly argue against the fact that there he was sitting across from them, with no memory of them and a startling unfamiliarity laying between them.  It was his father that broke the ensuing silence.  "We understand, Taichi."  And yet Taichi knew they didn't, not with the way they were looking at him as if it was just a passing thing.  It was the truth afterall, his lack of memory.  That wasn't a lie; he knew almost nothing about them.  But it was a break and he was damned if he was going to let the chance slip him by.  He mumbled a low thanks and made a point to yawn widely.  He didn't feel sleepy, in fact his body still thrummed with something that kept all his muscles tense and his heart thumping heavily in his chest.  But he wouldn't take another second feeling like some freakish attraction that they put on TV shows for people to ogle and puzzle over.  It was probably the wrong move to make, at least that's what his parents' identical frowns said, when he bowed to them politely and took his leave for his room.

The room was dark and he had found himself under the blankets in under a minute.  The room smelled old and stale, and the blankets moldy and sheets dusty.  He felt amazingly dirty all of a sudden, sleeping amidst dust and old toys and posters that he had no recollection of.  At one point, his parents must have remembered that he lacked clean linens because there was a soft knock on his door.  But he chose to keep quiet and pray that they would leave him alone.  One terrifying conversation was enough for today.  His silence seemed to work they stood outside his door with a pause, the shadows of their footsteps underneath his door doing a short clumsy dance before silently retreating down the hall.  

But he didn't fall asleep for a while, and neither did his parents.  They were still talking in urgent and hushed tones when he felt his eyelids slowly weigh down against his eyes and his thoughts and fears and hopes had trailed languidly into quiet.  The last fully coherent thought was that he needed to see Agumon and Gennai the moment he woke up.

The morning streamed through the windows of his room with a pale veiled light.  Taichi rolled quickly away from the light and coughed as he distrubed settled dust and it seeped down his throat and into his lungs.  The shelter of sleep left abruptly as he sat up and tried desperately to expel the tickling in his chest.

Admist his coughing, there was a soft knock and his mother entered his room halfway.  She wore a very concerned look.  "Are you alright Taichi?  Do you feel sick?"  He shook his head and cleared his throat violently, and shivered.  "Are you cold Taichi?  Hold on."

Taichi watched her go and got out of bed, noticing that the morning was rather chilly.  He yawned and opened the door, and headed off to the bathroom or at least where Hikari had said the bathroom sort of was, when his mother accosted him and put a soft robe around his shoulders.  It was large and his mother knotted the ties around his waist.  He stood rigid and embarrassed, and finally shyly looked up at her and offered a thank you.

She frowned slightly then.  "You're welcome.  But you're so skinny Taichi."

Taichi grimaced and sidled into the bathroom.  Was she disappointed?  It didn't sound like disappointment, but he had never been called skinny.  Then again, he had never heard that tone before; it was a little like worry but with a wholly different feel.  Gennai had the worried tone very often what with the occasional crises in the digital world, but had never addressed him like that.  Was she unhappy about how he looked?  Was he so different from the old Taichi?

The thought made a bitter smile appear on his face and he stared intently at himself in the mirror.  He didn't see anything so different, but then again he didn't really know how he looked before.  Sure he was a little skinny.  Afterall, one didn't get fat in the digital world, not with the running and exercising and fresh air.  He wasn't really short like Koushirou either.  He could feel the bones of his ribs, but they couldn't be seen.  Did she want him bigger, more muscular?  Would that make her happy?

He shook his head dismissively and began to wash his face in the sink.  In the background he could make out a lot of noise, people talking, furniture moving, random clangs and clinks.  As he dried off his face, he remembered his last resolution last night and quickly headed back to his room in search of his digivice.  He clasped the sqaurish device tightly and realized to his dismay that his room didn't have a computer.  He frowned and his stomach lurched at the prospect of meeting the full force of the two strangers out in the kitchen and living room.  Maybe he could get Hikari alone and borrow her computer, if she had one…

His soft footsteps were lost to the carpet and other noises of the apartment.  It was hardly morning, only around 9 but the apartment was abuzz in voices and conversation.  Was this a regular occurrence?  But as he warily made his way down the hallway, someone turned around the corner and blocked his way.

He was actually somewhat relieved to find Yamato standing in front of him, smiling brightly.  Something stirred inside of him and he liked the feeling.  It was warm and comforting.  Like friendship.  But another part of him was irritated at how comfortable Yamato felt with the situation while he himself was utterly lost.  "Yamato."

Yamato practically broke his face with a grin and stepped closer.  "Taichi.  How's it going?"

Taichi felt a little gratified that someone was asking over his well-being.  In fact, he had the urge to share his frustration at the new situation.  Whatever Hikari had told him, he was still so under prepared to meet the challenge.  If Gennai wasn't accessible, Yamato would be a good substitute.  "Okay I guess."  He peered over Yamato's shoulders and thankfully no one was behind him.  "Can we talk?  Alone?"

Yamato looked unsure over his shoulder but nodded slowly, following Taichi back to his bedroom.  He raised an eyebrow at the undisturbed mess that littered the carpet and ran up through the bookshelf and spilled out onto the desk.  "I guess they were too shocked to clean up for you."

Taichi shrugged and sat down on the bed playing with the sheets and blankets.  "I guess so."  He furrowed his brows in confusion as talking and laughter continued to come from beyond his door.  "Why are you here so early?"

"Well, we're having an impromptu party.  Didn't you know?"

Taichi frowned more and shook his head.  Anxiousness grew in his stomach at the prospect of more strangers gathered around to ask him questions that he'd had to lie about and give him profoundly pitiful looks, as if saying 'poor stupid boy, can't even remember how to be human.'  Taichi felt suddenly angry again, at no one in particular.  What made him so special, to have some accident and lose his memory?  What had then decided to turn his second life upside down and force him away from Gennai and his friends in the digital world?  He closed his eyes against the self-pitying anger and turned to Yamato.  "I hate this."

Yamato made no outward resemblance of sympathy and his face fell away into a serious solemn expression.  The air turned exceedingly hostile in the room and he could feel any shreds of hope start to slip away.  "Who do you hate?"

Taichi took at look at Yamato's forbidding face and made an effort to dispel the ill humour.  He didn't mean Yamato, especially not Yamato.  "No, not anyone.  Especially not you.  I just don't like feeling…"  He searched for the right word but couldn't find it, so he settled on 'disconnected.'

Yamato relaxed only marginally, watching Taichi struggle to share his frustration.  On one hand, it was ridiculous to expect a complete happy ending.  It was only one day ago he officially returned after all.  But then again, he couldn't deny that he thought the early invitation for a party this morning was something of a reason for hope, as if Taichi had really just slipped back into his life.  But thinking back on the long agonizing road it took to form a relationship between and Taichi and Hikari, his own sister, he should've known better to get his hopes up.  Meanwhile, Taichi was still unburdening himself of all the little things that were frustrating, like not knowing what his old favourite food was, how his mother said he was too thin, how he had wanted desperately to go home.  That was probably the most hurtful thing to Yamato.  Home was still the digital world for Taichi.  And as Taichi fell off into an abrupt silence, Yamato could predict how much of a disaster it was going to be when Taichi was forced out into the living room filled with people he had forgotten years before.  "There's still a party out there, Taichi…"  

Taichi flinched and hastily took a nervous look up at the door.  "It's so early."  

Yamato nodded mutely and tried to smile encouragingly.  "But everyone's there so it shouldn't be too bad.  Come on."

A cold sweat clammed up Taichi's palm at the thought of all the foreign attention.  "I'm not up to it."

Yamato smiled harder, pulled more at the sides of his mouth.  He put a friendly but firm hand on Taichi's arm.  "Come on."

Taichi repressed the urge to rip Yamato's hold off of him, but sighed and slowly got up.  In the end, Yamato was just like them.  Just wanted Taichi to accept that everything he had ever known was of no importance anymore.  Gennai, Agumon, the whole Digital world was nothing to be concerned with anymore.  He partly knew this when he agreed to come 'home' but he hadn't expected the demands for his assimilation to come so quickly, and from every direction.

He let Yamato lead him down the hall and into the crowded living room.  It may have been the strong early morning glare of the sun or the fact that all his friends and their parents were waiting with a collectively held breath for his arrival, but the anxiety in his stomach turned into a sharp and acute fear.  And as he shied away from the curious expectant gazes, he landed on Hikari's small genuine smile and found himself feeling slightly steadier.  It may take a false smile, a hard mask but he was determined to face this challenge head on.  He wouldn't let Hikari's belief in him be wasted.

He shook hands, accepted awed compliments politely and listened to the excited chatter going on between Yamato and Sora and Koushiro and the rest of the group.  Occasionally, some adults would come by to size him up and he couldn't fight the involuntary paranoia that he just wasn't measuring up.

"Taichi?  Taichi?"

Belatedly, he realized that Sora was asking him something.  "Sorry, what was it?"

She gave him a sympathetic smile.  "Well, we were talking about school.  Actually, Koushiro was worrying over how you were going to get registered in the same year as us."

School?  Taichi frowned.  "What do you mean school?"  Everyone looked genuinely surprised, even Hikari.  Taichi thought he was missing something important.  

Finally, Koushiro spoke up in his factual, abrupt kind of way.  "We mean how we can get you to test into our grade, despite the last four years you've spent in the Digiworld."

Taichi was even more confused.  "But I'm not going to school."  Judging by the reaction that his words provoked, everyone had taken the opposite for granted.  And then he felt suddenly foolish, being stared at by his friends.  Of course he had to go to school; he was trying to be human, wasn't he?  And yet, he had almost assumed that he'd never have to do the whole school thing.  After all, he wasn't like them, not deep down.  Why should he have to go to school?  It was a ridiculous thought because for all intensive purposes he was just a stupid ignorant child here in Odaiba.  He frowned even more, the awe of this new world around him giving way to doubts.  He was only here as a visitor, he told himself.  But the world was closing in around him, trapping him, pushing him into things he didn't believe himself ready for.  With an internal annoyance he berated himself for being so pathetic to be frightened of something like high school, something that Yamato and Sora treated like nothing big.

His silence appeared to be thick and impenetrable as the group lapsed into a tense moment of quiet.  This time Sora tentatively tried to break the silence.  "But you have to Taichi.  It-It's just how it is.  Kids go to school."

Taichi flinched at her tone, the kind of pitying condescension, you'd say 'I told you not to go too near the edge' to a little koromon when it got too close to the cliff and slipped and almost fell to its death.  He remained in stubborn angry silence.

Hikari knew things weren't going well at all, not with Taichi closed off and defensive and the rest of the group looking at him with varying degrees of pity, sympathy and slight annoyance.  Even Yamato seemed slightly fed up.  The blond opened his mouth and she just knew it was going to be something that Taichi wouldn't like to hear.  "Look, why don't we just drop this for now.  Taichi, onni-chan…"  She gave him a proud little smile at being able to use the term of endearment. "…we shouldn't push him into things so soon."

Yamato nodded sullenly and stared uncomprehendingly at Hikari.  How could she just let these things drop?  School was something every normal kid did, and Taichi needed to get himself used to everything as quickly as he could.  What was the use of avoiding things?  The old Taichi would've never acted like this.  "But this issue isn't going to drop."  He turned to face Taichi.  "You can't ignore this Taichi."

Taichi knew he couldn't, but he didn't want to think about it.  There was a small difference in his mind.  Almost overwhelmingly, he was homesick.  He missed Gennai's mumblings and Agumon's voice and his bed and his room full of odds and ends he picked up walking and playing with friends in the digital world.  He wanted to be back under the lake, not four stories above the ground.  "I know I can't," he said softly, most to himself.  He kept replaying all that he had left behind, his home, his family, his whole life as he knew it.  

The party went on around him and people left and food was eaten, but he remained in his own thoughts.  His friends' worried looks didn't register and Hikari's soft entreaties were met with distracted silence.  There was only one thought running through his head, getting louder and more urgent by the minute.  He needed to go home.  He needed to go back now.  And he knew that he would do whatever it took to be back where he was a brave, normal boy not an outsider in a strange land.  Tonight he was going to escape.  He was going to run away.

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Author's Notes:  Whew, that took me an exorbitantly long to hammer out and I'm not particularly satisfied with it, but I'm sure glad I'm done with this chapter.  Drop me a review won't you?"


	11. A New Start

Author's Notes:  Alright, this was most unexpectedly a long break.  I have no excuses, but in consolation this is rather a big chapter, lengthwise and plotwise.  

Big, big arigatous to:  **Ichigo Pocky **(thanks for the spelling lesson), **nEo-cHaN**, **Amsylva12**, **Redvind**, **star**, **Angel Ran** (wow, thanks…characterization has always been my archnemesis), **sakura blossoms4**, **nightshadow1**, **Lil Gold Fishie** (thanks for the reviews…as for taito, probably in a couple of chapters…maybe?), **Melchior the Mewthree** (on behalf of my ass…ow.), **fairy of irrelevance**, **TOTAL TAITO FAN**, **kashiichan**.

Also, while 'okaa-san' and 'otou-san' are generally used for other people's parents and 'chichi' and 'haha' are for one's own father and mother, respectively, I use 'okaa-san' and 'otou-san' in place of 'haha' and 'chichi' as they are much better known to fanfiction writers and sound better to me.  *shrug* Besides, I'm not sure but I have heard them used in that context somewhere…probably in some anime or another…

Disclaimer:  Digimon is not mine.

Reoccurrence 

Chapter 11:  A New Start

Taichi stared without appetite at the full plate in front of him.  His back was too rigid and hands too tightly wrapped around the chopsticks and napkin to be comfortable.  The man and woman across from him smiled reassuringly all throughout the meal, trying to get him to take part of the conversation, but he had nothing to say.

Hikari was trying to distract their well-intentioned entreaties by talking about her day, and asking them about their jobs.  But the woman, kaa-san, as she told Taichi to call her, kept trying to engage Taichi in conversation.  Was the food all right?  Did he want a soda?  Doesn't this look wonderful Taichi?  He responded in stilted unwilling fashion.  The air was rapidly becoming uncomfortable between all of them, strained and tilted to an axis.  The man, his father, was trying to distract him with food, making all sorts or random comments from taste to preparation.  If anything, it made Taichi want to eat less.

It had been like this the entire day.  Questions, observations, hopeful and miserable looks, all directed towards him.  He hated it more than ever, and it strengthened his resolve to leave.  Hikari couldn't be his buffer anymore, not when it came to her own parents.  Taichi couldn't think of them as his.  Gennai had never made him so miserable just by trying to start up a conversation.  If he had to hear another time about how worried they were about how skinny he looked, or how they were going to get a tutor and the works and enroll him in school next month, and how they were going to take days off work to do whatever he wanted...  And all he really wanted was to leave and forget.  He had forced answers to their questions, but they were never quite satisfied; he tried to smile at them all the time, but that didn't seem to work either.  Simply he didn't understand them, and they didn't understand him.  Simple, heart wrenching miscommunication.

And this, Taichi realized, was really the end.  Here he sat at a table in the middle of a busy restaurant, with his parents trying to celebrate his return, and he was terrified and angry.  There Hikari was sitting across from him, giving him alternating smiles and anxious looks, and he couldn't calm himself for her sake.  A day into this new adventure and he was sick of it; there was too much to ask of him, and too much to adapt to, and he didn't like it one bit.  He sat stolidly and dumbly picking at his dinner, forcing out the occasional unwilling answer, and took solace in the knowledge that before the night was over, he'd be back home with Gennai and Agumon.  Not surprisingly the mood at the table quickly soured and all the occupants became extremely aware of the oppressive and hostile air around them.  The celebration trailed off until it was unnerving just to sit around the table eating.  Dinner ended soon afterwards and Taichi found himself in the car heading back to Hikari's apartment.

To give the man and woman credit, they didn't give up easily.  They pushed themselves to smile and joke and try to persuade Taichi into cooperation with dessert and movies, whatever he wanted.  And what he wanted, he wanted to tell them, was something they couldn't provide him.  He wanted to go home.  He stubbornly declined every offer and sat in stifling anticipation of reaching the apartment.  

Once they were back, Taichi realized he had to act quickly and carefully.  He made his way to his room and fished out his digivice and concealed it in his back pocket.  The adults were still in the living room, murmuring in low tones.  Taichi hoped that Hikari was with them.  If he could sneak into her room and access the computer, all would go well.  He didn't dare give anyone a hint of what he planned to do.  He knew undoubtedly, they would stop him.   Even Hikari, who stood behind him in so many decisions these past weeks, would hold him back.  Luck was with him; Hikari's room was dark and empty.  The computer sat on the desk waiting for him and he flicked it on.  His heart raced as he accessed the gate, and he was overcome by a breathless flood of feelings.  Excitement, relief, even some disconcerting regret.  But it was hope that dominated, bright and intoxicating in his thoughts.  Home was beyond this small square of pixilated blue static.  And once he was home, everything would be alright and nothing could ever upset him again.  He pulled out his digivice and held it stiffly in front of him.  There was nothing here for him, and he didn't even bother to take a final look around the room before his eyes were overrun by impossible colours and he was back on the firm yet yielding grassy lands of the Digital world.

________________________________________

Hikari felt her back aching for the strength she put into locking her emotions down and sitting rigidly as her parents were talking urgently back and forth.  It was obvious to everyone that today was a failure, and her parents were now recriminating themselves for pushing for too much too soon.  And yet, there was this horrible undertone in their words that sounded like optimism.  Hard and inflexible hope that soon, the past four years would be nothing but a dim memory, and that Taichi would once again start his life where it left off.  It was a cruel and malicious hope.  Hikari for one knew that kind of hope; it had strengthened itself with the faith she'd always had in her brother into a strong denial.  It had suffered a major blow when she realized how different Taichi was now, but ultimately began to heal itself after that one day in Yamato's apartment, when they really started to get close again.  But tonight, even from this morning, it was chipping away again.  And here she sat listening to the plans and worries and expectations of her parents, with her own hope suddenly in danger of leaving her altogether.

She got up and excused herself, afraid that if she felt the pain of her parents, she would find herself back where she had been four years ago when they told her Taichi was dead.  She refused to know the grief again.  The door to Taichi's room was ajar and she briefly considered whether she wanted to bother him.  The need for reassurance won out and she knocked lightly on his door.  There was no answer for there was no one inside.  The room was exactly how it had been for these past few years; it was as if Taichi had made no mark on it, as if he were only a brief lodger.  Tentative dread seeped through her more vulnerable thoughts, and she squashed it forcibly.  Her search continued through the kitchen, into the bathroom and even her parents' room.  It only left her room unsearched and she was now afraid of what she would find.  Fear had twisted itself inside her so tightly that her fingers moved jerkily and unsteadily to the doorknob.  She turned it slowly and pushed the door inward.  Only the dim glow of the computer screen greeted her.

Panic assailed her at the sight of the room, because that meant she had searched everywhere, and Taichi was gone.  Again.  Some horrible feeling burst inside her and grew out around her insides, and pulled, so viciously that her breath hitched halfway in exhalation.  It was desperation she found out later, this dizzying nauseous feeling.  She had lost her brother again; he was gone, as suddenly and without warning as the first time.  She could not bear the loss again.  The thought of her parents' pain and her own pressed upon her like a heavy cloak, shifting and hot and smothering.  She fought against it, the helplessness, the terror.  She forced air through her mouth and lungs and focused, stared hard at the computer screen for distraction.  It was only then that the rational center of her mind noticed that the digital gate was open, and that in the memories half frightened out of her head, she knew she had turned the computer off before they had went to dinner.

She concentrated on that thread, fitting the pieces together, anything to cast off the crazed panic still stirring in her head.  If Taichi was gone and the gate was open…  But her digivice was still on the table…  But Yamato had given Taichi his old one back; Taichi had showed it to her.  And that meant…  The conclusion spurred her into action, thawing her frozen muscles.  Desperation had bred a new kind of fierce determination.  She would get Taichi back home, by any means, because if she didn't…  She wanted to throw up at the possibilities.  He would be back because it was too cruel to suffer through his death twice.  She snatched up the phone and began dialing, numbers running through her head.  She couldn't follow him herself, not if she was to be here keeping her parents from learning the truth.

The phone range two times before it was answered, and Yamato's lazy 'Yeah?' echoed across the line.

It was strange to Hikari, that no matter how focused she had suddenly become in her actions, she couldn't find a way to control her voice.  It was shrill and it was half crazed with worry and, she realized, anger.  How could Taichi be so heartless as to put everyone through this again?  She babbled on with failing control.  Yamato had to tell her to slow down three times before she was able to choke across the pertinent information.  Taichi had really run away this time, back to the digiworld, back to Gennai.  

Yamato cursed like a storm when he had finally gathered the gist of Hikari's turmoil.  It seemed oddly appropriate his foul words and angry swears.  If there was anyone else who knew how I feel, it'd be Yamato, Hikari thought dimly as her words bubbled and dissolved into thick sounds that walked the fine line between words and sobs.  She wasn't sure what exactly Yamato had proposed to say to Taichi, but she knew he was going after him.  She listened to the dial tone in a trance, battling for self-control, because she knew it was going to take everything out of her to keep her parents from learning what had happened.

______________________________________________

Taichi sat on the end of his old bed, in the blue-black darkness of night, and the let the wetness run down his face.  It was gone, he bitterly repeated in his head.  There was no security here, not the same sense of rightness and belonging.  He had set himself up for disappointment.  Because he was tainted now of another life, and it had ruined his old one for him.

Gennai had been surprised to find him on his doorstep, surprised but welcoming.  Taichi had hugged him and felt this overwhelming sense of relief.  Burdens had seemed to slip off his shoulders.  Gennai had asked him a few questions but seemed to already know why Taichi had arrived alone and unexpected in the middle of the night.  If he had any critical words to say to Taichi, he kept them to himself, and Taichi was extremely grateful for it.

Taichi had run into his old room and all the other rooms of the house.  It was all still familiar to him, though as he waited for the joy of being back where he belonged to rise to the surface, he realized that it wasn't coming.  The house, his room didn't feel the same as it used to; there lacked the rightness that one should get with homecoming.  Instead, as he touched his old furniture and belongings, he felt disassociated from them.  They didn't have the same meaning anymore; how could they?  This big black rock from the top of a mountain, the farthest he'd ever been away from home.  He'd been farther now, in the depths of Odaiba.  Or the random doodles that he kept as a way to amuse himself.  How did they compare to television?  Yes, he was ruined now, for both worlds.  Caught between one he was supposed to belong in, and one that he wished he belonged in, though he knew now, he never would.  And that was why he could feel the hot tears turning cold along his jaw.  He had no home now, and he was as desolate as he had been waking up with no memories.

That was how Yamato found him, when he burst through Taichi's door.  The blonde was furious, frightened and irrational.  He didn't even see the painful lost look on Taichi's face and slammed the door shut with a violence that he hadn't mustered in over three years.  "You bastard!  You…fucking asshole!"

Taichi had jerked off the bed in surprise, and a touch of fear.  Yamato looked…unleashed.  "Y-Yamato, what—"

Yamato cut him off and stalked across the room, curling his fingers into the front of Taichi's shirt and pulled Taichi to him until he was only a few inches from Yamato's face.  His eyes were as dangerous as his voice.  "You little bastard.  How could you do this?  To everyone again.  To Hikari!"  Taichi flinched at Hikari's name and Yamato saw it for what it was.  "You weren't thinking, were you?  You stupid little shit.  I could just kick the crap out of you right now.  Everyone suffered so much when you we thought you were dead the first time.  How could you just run away now?  Couldn't you even imagine how much it would hurt us?"  Yamato let go of Taichi then, blowing out a disgusted, exasperated breath and backing away a few spaces.  "After all we did to help you settle back home, too."

Taichi shut his eyes and clenched his fists.  He really hadn't given any though to the pain he'd cause.  He owed Hikari more than that; he owed his friends more than that…  But here Yamato was calling him ungrateful for being forced to be a person he wasn't.  Forced to live in a strange new place that Yamato dared called 'home', a place that robbed him of his old home too…  'I have no home' he thought and he realized he had said it out loud.  There was truth in it, and he repeated it, louder for Yamato to hear.  "I have no home."  Again, even louder, violent, with an intent to hurt Yamato.  "I have no home!  Not anymore!  Thanks to you."

It worked and Yamato flinched as if struck.  His anger flared even more.  "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means," Taichi said, caught up in the throes of anger, fear and mourning, "that everyone thought they could just bring me back and make me into the old Taichi.  I don't even remember him, and I don't remember his life.  And I couldn't handle it.  And now that I'm back here, it's not the same.  It's not!"  Taichi brought a fist down on the bedside table, rattling the odds and ends on it.  "It's different; it feels different.  I don't have a home anymore.  Not with Hikari, not with Gennai.  I'm alone again."  The thought burrowed its way inside of him and he resented it more and more.  He actually lunged at Yamato, if only to drive the thought away.  "It's all your fault!"

Yamato was caught unprepared for the attack and fell back on to the ground, with Taichi scrabbling over him, trying to punch him.  He managed to catch one of Taichi's wrists and tried to leverage his body up and tumble Taichi off of him before the other fist could connect.  He finally managed to gain a good foothold against the floor and pushed upward, sending Taichi off balance long enough to knock him over and pin him to the ground.  Even then Taichi struggled, his free hand punching Yamato squarely on the shoulder.  Yamato winced and kneed Taichi in the stomach in return, with more force than necessary.  The fight seeped away as Taichi grimaced in pain and breathlessness, panting and hissing.  Yamato released both of Taichi's hands and got up off him.  "Look," he said, breathing hard and rubbing the painful spot on his shoulder while retreating to the other side of the room to sit on the bed.  "Obviously we've got stuff to talk about, so let's talk.  Leave the fists out of it, alright?"

"Talk?  You want to talk?"  Taichi's voice was rough and thick.  When he turned to Yamato, his face was scarred by tears.  Ugly, ruined.  Yamato knew the look; it was one that was full of hate and anger, but was made that much more inhuman by the sheer pain of helplessness.  He realized quite late then, that what had seemed so easy to him, had taken a vicious toll on Taichi.  Taichi turned away, stubbornly silent.

Yamato sighed and the fight, the willingness to attack Taichi for being so heartless and stupid, left him.  How could you hurt someone already broken?  He got up off the bed and made his way over to Taichi.  "Come on Taichi, we've got to get this out in the open."  He kept his voice low and laid a tentative hand on Taichi's shoulder.  

Taichi shuddered with the contact and threw it off.  He pulled himself to sit up and wiped a hand across his face.  The look was gone, and it left behind a tired and uncertain boy.  "What is there to say?"

Yamato was at a loss for words.  What _was_ there to say?  Come back?  I'm sorry?  They had little use for Taichi at this point.  He tried again to put a hand on Taichi's shoulder, and it was left alone this time.  "We need you Taichi, your friends, your family.  We've been pushing you too hard…I guess I didn't realize it till just now.  I don't know…it was too tempting to pick up where we left off.  It's just hard to see you now and not see who you were."

"But I'm not him.  I'll never be him again."

Yamato was beginning to feel exasperated again.  "We can work at it, slowly this time."

Taichi looked up at Yamato with a hopeless anger.  He deliberately picked up Yamato's hand off his shoulder and dropped it.  "No, we can't.  That's what you don't get, what no one gets.  This…this old Taichi; he was four years ago.  Even if I do get all my memories back, I'll have had four years worth of new memories being me, this Taichi.  I will never be the old Taichi again.  Never.  Can't you get that?"

Yamato froze.  There was a horrible truth in those words.  If Taichi couldn't return to normal, to the old Taichi, Yamato amended, then…then what?  He really had lost the one he loved, hadn't he?  That person was really gone, wasn't he?  Yamato closed his eyes tight until they hurt and felt whatever hopes he had built for himself dying.  It only left the truth, and it was harsh.  "Yes," he replied after a long time, "I get that now."  He felt cold and wrung out, but even in this fresh pain, he would struggle to stay Taichi's friend.  In a way, they were in the same boat, stuck in the shadow of a person that didn't exist anymore.  "I want you to be whoever you turn out to be Taichi.  It doesn't matter who we try to mould you into."  The slightest pause.  "Not anymore," he added to drive the truth in deeper for himself.  "But you do have a home and a lot of people who are willing to do anything to make you happy.  I won't let you make them suffer."

"What if I can't adjust?"  Taichi's voice was hoarse and rough, uncertain.

"You will.  It'll take time, but you'll stop being afraid of doing wrong, and you'll find your own way."  Yamato smiled a little as a memory resurfaced, even through the pain of picturing his Taichi.  "There was a time when you had made a mistake of digivolving Agumon into Skullgreymon; you were so worried it would happen again, you wouldn't let yourself try the next time.  But you got past that because sometimes you just need to do things, no matter how terrifying they are."

Taichi frowned in concentration and looked up to meet Yamato's gaze.  "I…I almost remember a little bit of that…it was like that when I tried to ride a bike…I think."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"So, are you coming back Taichi?"

Taichi looked about his room for a while and sighing, slowly stood up.  He felt he was going to miss this, terribly, but it wasn't where he belonged.  "I think I have to, don't I?"

"Yeah, you do.  But I'll help you anyway I can, and I know everyone else will too."

"Thanks, Yamato."

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Hikari felt that she was near the end of her nerve.  She had told her parents she and Taichi were having a long private conversation and that had bought her some time.  Her parents couldn't very well refuse a request for her to have some alone time with her brother.  But that was over an hour ago, and it was nearly 10:30.  She had locked the door and occasionally strained to make some loud remark to keep up the charade, but for every minute that the gate stayed closed, was another minute less she could keep this up.  What would happen if Taichi never returned?  How could she deal with it again?

Her computer beeped as she finished that thought and before she could even feel the first stirring of hope, two people had flashed into existence.  Yamato was brushing off dirt from his pants and Taichi stood behind him, looking haggard but in one piece.  Hikari's first instinct was to hug him, and she did, with the cool relief washing away the tension and fear and leaving her drained and empty in its wake.  The strict command she forced on her emotions to keep up the ruse failed her and she thankfully let it go.  Then she cried, quietly but so hard, as if she had never cried before.  But as her tears dried up, her choked words became louder and she was releasing all her trapped anger too, banging her fists into Taichi's chest, as hard as she could despite her muscles feeling undone and useless.  "Why?" she threw at him over and over again.

Taichi stayed silent and when she looked up, he was looking down at her with a tortured look on his face.  "I'm sorry," he whispered and hugged her.  There was nothing he could say to defend himself; he had caused his own sister such pain.  "I'm sorry…so sorry."

If Hikari heard his repeated apologies, she made no acknowledgement.  She was too spent to talk, and she clung onto Taichi listlessly to keep from sinking to the ground.  

Taichi maneuvered them both onto the bed and kept a hand around her shoulder to steady her.  The three of them remained in unbroken silence until there was a knocking on Hikari's door.  The doorknob rattled and Yamato cursed and hid himself in the closet.  When Hikari's parents had finally found a key and opened the door, there was only Taichi and Hikari in the room, sitting on the bed.  Hikari was already asleep, having tapped every last reserve she had, and Taichi was sitting in dark contemplative silence by her side, still keeping her upright with his arm.

"Taichi?" the woman asked softly.

"Hai…kaa-san," he ventured, feeling the strange appellation on his lips.  The woman broke out into a misty grin and he realized very acutely that Yamato was right.  A lot of people cared for him here.

"Is Hikari asleep?"

Taichi looked at Hikari and carefully laid her back.  "Oh yeah."  He yawned as an afterthought.  "I think I should go to bed too; I'm tired."

"Of course," said the man.  "Good night."

"Night."  Taichi watched them leave the room and make their way down the hall.  He got up and pulled the blankets over Hikari.  "Do you need my help to get out of here?"

"No, I'm fine."  Yamato stepped out of the closet and indicated the computer with his head.  "I left my computer on…I should be able to jump back there."

"Oh, right."  Taichi stood there awkwardly, staring down at his feet.  "Just…thanks…thanks for…"

"No problem Taichi.  Just remember that we're all here to help, if you ask."  He almost raised a hand to rest on Taichi's shoulder, but he had his own pain that was smouldering in his depths.  His arm instead fished out his digivice.  "Night, Taichi."

"Night, Yamato."  Yamato disappeared, and Taichi shut down the computer.  He stared at the blank screen for a while and sighed.  This was it, wasn't it?  No place to run back to, no other options.  He had to really tough it out this time; it was frightening, but it had to be done.  He made his way out of the room and shut off Hikari's light.  Tomorrow was another challenge, and for all the faith Yamato and Hikari had in him, he was going to meet it head on.

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Author's Notes:  Oi, that took a lot out of me.  Who knows when the next update will be, but I shouldn't think it'll be as long as the last huge wait…  Drop a review won't you?


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